Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother - Playscripts API

Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother - Playscripts API

Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother (1st ed. - 07.29.08) - cinderellaandthesubstitute7jr Copyright © 2008 Ed Monk ALL RIGHTS RESERVED Copyri...

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Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother (1st ed. - 07.29.08) - cinderellaandthesubstitute7jr Copyright © 2008 Ed Monk ALL RIGHTS RESERVED Copyright Protection. This play (the “Play”) is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, whether through bilateral or multilateral treaties or otherwise, and including, but not limited to, all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention, and the Berne Convention. Reservation of Rights. 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Cast of Characters CINDERELLA ALBERTA, the Evil Step-Sister* FABIO, the Evil Step-Brother* FABREEZE, the Evil Step-Mother* THE ROYAL MESSENGER * BOSS of the Fairy Godmothers* HORTENSE, the Fairy Dispatcher* ESPERANTO, a Fairy Godmother* LUCRETIA, a Substitute Fairy Godmother MAURICE, a Pig* WEMBLY, a Pig* WASABI, a Pig* MERWIN, the Big Bad Wolf KING VLADIMIR QUEEN SHANIA PRINCE CHARMFULL RUMPELSTILTSKIN* PINOCCHIO* NOXIMA** PANTEEN** THE ROYAL BALL ENSEMBLE** (May be as large or small as desired.) *= gender-neutral roles **= may be cut if desired Several parts could be doubled.


CINDERELLA AND THE SUBSTITUTE FAIRY GODMOTHER by Ed Monk (HORTENSE is seated at a desk wearing a headset. She answers the phone and uses a computer keyboard during the call.) HORTENSE. Hello, Fairy Godmother Headquarters, this is Hortense speaking, how may I help you?… I see, you were turned into a frog… Now was this done by a witch, a wizard or a sorcerer?… I see, a witch… OK then, your name is?… Eric. Good, now, Eric, are you a king, a prince, a knight, or a peasant boy who is secretly the king but doesn’t know it?… A peasant boy who doesn’t know he’s the king… OK then, what can we do for you today?… Send someone to turn you back into a person… Well, isn’t there some beautiful princess nearby who can kiss you? See, we’re really kinda busy today… OK, Eric, I’m going to put you on hold for just one second… (Calling offstage:) HEY BOSS! (Enter BOSS.) BOSS. What is it, Hortense? I’m trying to get the decorations finished before the big party! HORTENSE. We got a call for a fairy godmother from a future king who’s been turned into a frog. BOSS. Can’t he just find some beautiful princess to kiss and turn him back? Why do we have to do everything? HORTENSE. Why would a beautiful princess kiss a slimy frog? It just doesn’t make sense. BOSS. Good point. I hadn’t thought of that. OK, which Godmother is free? HORTENSE. (Looking at computer screen:) Um…we have Tinkerbelle. BOSS. No, she’s granting some wishes to a bunch of gnomes at 4:30. Who else ya got? 7


Ed Monk

HORTENSE. We got Flora, Merryweather and Fauna. BOSS. Well then who would be around to wake up Sleeping Beauty!? Use your head! HORTENSE. Sorry Boss. Say, Carbuncle is free. BOSS. Good, send her. But tell her to hurry up so she gets back in time for the party. HORTENSE. Right Boss. (On phone:) OK sir, we’re sending you out a fairy godmother right away. Her name is Carbuncle and she will be granting you 3 wishes today…well you’re very welcome…now try not to get eaten before she arrives…OK…bye bye now. BOSS. (Using microphone:) Now hear this, now hear this. Will Carbuncle please report to dispatch, will Carbuncle please report to dispatch. (Enter ESPERANTO carrying a 5-gallon bucket.) ESPERANTO. Hey guys, what’s up? Where’s Carbuncle going? BOSS. We’re sending her out on a 567. Is that the potato salad? ESPERANTO. Yup. I got five gallons just to make sure we had enough for everyone. HORTENSE. What deli did you go to? ESPERANTO. The deli was closed, so I got it from some guy in a stand over by the swamp. He let me have it for 50% off because it was the end of the day. What time is the party starting? BOSS. In about five minutes. We want to make sure we get dinner done by the time Cinderella calls for help. Then as soon as you get back from helping her, we’ll start the limbo contest. (To ESPERANTO:) Now you sure you’ve got everything ready. ESPERANTO. Boss, we’ve been over this 500 times. I get her a new dress, I turn the pumpkin into a coach, I turn the mice into the coachmen and I give her the glass slippers… BOSS. What about the midnight thing?! You forgot about the midnight thing!

Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother


ESPERANTO. You didn’t let me finish! I tell her it all wears off at midnight. By the way, Boss, I’ve been meaning to ask, why does it have to wear off at midnight? Why can’t I just make it last all night? BOSS. What!? Not do the midnight thing?! If you don’t do the midnight thing, then there wouldn’t be any dramatic tension in the story! (He acts out all of the following.) You lose that great scene where she’s running out of the palace as the bells are ringing midnight and the prince is chasing her and then the dramatic music starts! (He sings a few lines from some cheesy love ballad.) If you don’t do the midnight thing, you might as well not even tell the story! What’s wrong with you!? ESPERANTO. Sheesh, you need to calm down, Boss, or you’re going to have a stroke. HORTENSE. She’s right, Boss; you need to chill a little. BOSS. All right, all right. It’s just that after word of how we helped Cinderella gets out, everyone is going to want a fairy godmother! This will make fairy godmothers famous for all time! HORTENSE. And to celebrate, we are going to have the greatest party in the history of fairy godmother parties! ESPERANTO. Part-tay! Whoooo! (They high-five each other.) BOSS. All right, settle down. We still have to hang the piñata and make the cheese dip. How long till Cinderella calls for help? HORTENSE. (Checking screen:) About three hours. BOSS. All right then, let’s begin Operation Celebration! (ALL exit, whooping it up. Scene change to Cinderella’s house. Enter ALBERTA.) ALBERTA. Cinderella! Cinderella! Cinderella, where are you!? (Enter FABIO.) FABIO. What are you screaming about? I was trying to take a nap!


Ed Monk

ALBERTA. Have you seen Cinderella? I swear, that girl is never around when you need her! FABIO. The last time I saw her was after lunch when she was scrubbing out the pig sty. CINDERELLA! CINDERELLA! CINDERELLA WHERE ARE YOU!? She is just the laziest step-sister we’ve ever had. I keep telling Mama we should trade her in on a new one. ALBERTA. I saw a step-sister at the village square the other day. She had big muscles and hardly smelled at all. FABIO. Well we’ll just tell Mama that we have to get a new stepsister! Where is she? FABIO and ALBERTA. CINDERELLA! (Enter CINDERELLA, barefoot, dressed in rags and carrying huge load of laundry.) CINDERELLA. Here I am, evil step-sister and evil step-brother. FABIO. Where were you and what were you doing!? CINDERELLA. I was doing all of the laundry. ALBERTA. Well what took so long!? CINDERELLA. (Building as list grows:) Well…first I had to make the soap. Then I had to carry all of the laundry down to the creek. That’s three miles away. Then I had to beat all of the clothes on rocks in the freezing cold water. Then I had to wring all of the clothes dry by twisting them around trees. Then I had to carry all of the clothes three miles back home. FABIO. SO!? What took so long? ALBERTA. Yeah! It’s not like the creek isn’t downhill! CINDERELLA. Well, it’s only downhill one way, evil step-sister Alberta. ALBERTA. What do you mean? The stream is downhill. CINDERELLA. Well, yes, when you’re going to the stream, it’s downhill. But when you’re coming back, it’s uphill.

Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother


FABIO. Cinderella! Do you think we’re dumb? We both know the creek is downhill from here! And mountains can’t move! We learned that in school. ALBERTA. Yes that’s right. And remember, we almost graduated the third grade. So don’t think you can fool us! You’re just trying to make excuses for being so slow and lazy! FABIO. Alberta’s right. Here you are complaining about doing a little laundry. What else have you had to do today? CINDERELLA. (Building as list grows:) Well, I got up at four in the morning and milked all of the cows. Then I made you breakfast. Chopped all of the firewood for the week. Took the milk to the market to sell. Finished planting the cabbages. Made you lunch. Cleaned out the pig sty. And then did all of the laundry. ALBERTA. That’s it? Fabio, I thought you were going to have her fix the roof? FABIO. Oh, that’s right. Cinderella, now that you have some free time, you need to go up and fix the roof. CINDERELLA. But evil step-brother Fabio, we don’t have a ladder tall enough to reach the roof. It’s 30 feet high. ALBERTA. That’s just like you Cinderella! Always trying to find reasons to get out of work. There’s that tall tree right next to the house. You can just climb to the top of the tree and then leap over to the roof. CINDERELLA. But if I fell I could get really hurt! FABIO. And if the world was round, we’d all fall off! Stop whining. CINDERELLA. Um…the world is round, evil step-sister Alberta. FABIO and ALBERTA. HAHAHAHAHAHAH! She thinks the world is round! FABIO. It’s a good thing that our Mother never sent you to school, Cinderella, you’d have flunked out of the third grade! (Enter FABREEZE.)


Ed Monk

FABREEZE. Cinderella, what are you doing sitting around here? You’re supposed to be digging the hole for the new outhouse. CINDERELLA. I had just started digging the hole when my evil step-sister and evil step-brother called me in here. FABIO. Yes, I need Cinderella to cut my toenails. (Holding foot up:) My big toenail on my left foot has turned green and the toenail on my little toe on my right foot is all twisted and icky. ALBERTA. Before you do his toenails, I need you to rearrange my sock and underwear drawers. I want all of the underwear to be moved from the third drawer to the top drawer and all of the socks to be moved from the top drawer to the third drawer. And then I want all of the socks and underwear to be sorted alphabetically and by color. FABREEZE. Don’t be silly, Cinderella doesn’t have time to waste on silly things like that. CINDERELLA. Thank you, evil step-mother. FABREEZE. She has to go and build the new barn. CINDERELLA. What new barn? FABREEZE. I’ve ordered 100 llamas. ALBERTA and FABIO. LLAMAS! LLAMA! LLAMA!! (With much additional whooping and joy.) CINDERELLA. 100 llamas! Who’s going to take care of them!? Think how much feeding and cleaning and work they’re going to take! Who’s going to do all of that!? FABREEZE. You are. CINDERELLA. But I don’t have enough time to do all of the chores I have now! FABREEZE. Well you’ll just have to get up earlier. CINDERELLA. I get up at 4:00 in the morning! FABREEZE. Well then go to bed later. CINDERELLA. I go to bed at midnight!

Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother


FABREEZE. Oh stop being such a baby! We’re going to start raising llamas! We’ll be able to sell their fur and rent them out to people and use their milk to make llama cheese. FABIO. And we can eat the llamas as well! ALBERTA. You don’t eat llamas you silly goose! They’re much too small. Why they’re just tiny enough to fit into those little tubes and run around in their wheels. CINDERELLA. Those are hamsters, Alberta. Llamas are the size of horses. ALBERTA. (A pause.) I know that, I don’t need you to tell me that! I know all about mamas. CINDERELLA. Llamas. FABIO. Oh goody, if the llamas are that big, then we can easily eat them! FABREEZE. We are not going to eat them; we’re going to use them to make lots of money. ALBERTA and FABIO. MONEY! MONEY! MONEY! (With much additional shouting and joy.) ALBERTA. Oh Mummy, when we get all of that money, can I get lots of fabulous new clothes? And jewelry and new things for my bedroom that are very expensive and shiny? FABREEZE. Yes you can, my little pumpkin! FABIO. Oh, and can I get an Xbox 360?! FABREEZE. Well, those won’t be invented for another 500 years. FABIO. Oh. Then can I get some sticks to play with? FABREEZE. Um…sure, honey. FABIO. Yea! I get to play with sticks! CINDERELLA. Nasty step-mother, may I please buy some shoes? The rocks hurt my feet.

Ed Monk


FABREEZE. What are you still doing here? You’re supposed to be out building the llama barn! (There is a knock on the door.) FABREEZE. Cinderella, answer the door. I’d do it, but I don’t want to. (CINDERELLA goes to answer door. When she opens it, enter MESSENGER.) MESSENGER. Greetings and salutations my good citizens! Allow me to introduce myself; I am their Majesties’ most royal messenger, Sir Walter Von Ups. I bid thee a most gracious and royal good day and pray that thee are all in good health and fair spirits on this fine morn. FABIO. Say what? FABREEZE. Did you come to deliver the llamas? ALBERTA, FABIO, and FABREEZE. LLAMAS! LLAMAS! LLAMAS! (With additional shouting and joy.) MESSENGER. Alas and alack my dear…lady? I am afraid I come bearing no llamas to this most pleasant abode. (Builds.) No, I come today bearing a most important and, dare I say, exciting message from their most Royal Majesties, good King Vladimir and her most magnificent Queen Shania. (Big pause at the end of Messenger’s speech as they wait for the message.) FABREEZE. Well, what is it? MESSENGER. What is what, charming lady? FABREEZE. What’s the message from the King and Queen!? MESSENGER. Oh yes, of course. Please forgive me. In all of the excitement of delivering this most amazing news, I am afraid I was momentarily overcome with excitement and joy and thus proceeded to forget to deliver the message, which of course is the entire purpose for my journey to your place of residence, as it were. Please allow me to extend my most humble apologies and beg for your forgiveness for my inexcusable blunder. I fear it is too much to ask.

Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother


CINDERELLA. Good Sir Ups, please think nothing of it. MESSENGER. Ah dear lady, you are too kind, I am unworthy of such mercy and fear that I will never be able to re-pay you for your most gracious… FABREEZE, ALBERTA, and FABIO. WHAT’S THE MESSAGE!? MESSENGER. Right. (Reading message:) Their most Royal Majesties, King Vladimir and Queen Shania, command your appearance at a royal ball to be held tonight at the palace. At this ball, his most Royal Majesty, Prince Charmfull, heir to the Royal Throne, will select his bride, who will become Princess of the realm and our next Queen. Appetizers will be served. BYOB. ALBERTA. Mother! Did you hear that!? I may get to marry Prince Charmfull and become the Queen! FABREEZE. Did you hear that!? I may be the mother of the next Queen! FABIO. Did you hear that!? They’re serving appetizers! FABREEZE. Wait a minute! (To MESSENGER:) Did you say the ball was tonight!? Why that’s no time at all to prepare! Why such late notice? MESSENGER. (Losing it:) Look lady, I had to deliver one of these to every house in the whole stinking country! I’ve been walking around for the last six weeks! Cut me some slack! CINDERELLA. Oh most noble messenger, we thank you for your good and loyal service and this most wondrous news you have brought to our house! ALBERTA. Yeah, yeah. Now scram, we’ve got to get ready for the ball. FABIO. Hey wait a minute, I just thought of something! (The others all gasp in shock as this does not happen very often.) FABIO. If this Prince Charmfull is such a catch, why do they have to have a ball to get a wife for him? Why can’t he get his own wife? Huh? What’s wrong with him?

Ed Monk


CINDERELLA. Fabio! Don’t be silly, Prince Charmfull is the most wonderful man in the whole kingdom. Why he’s wise and brave and strong and smart and fearless and any girl in the world would be lucky to marry him! MESSENGER. Well…he is a nice guy and all. But to be perfectly honest… (Looks around and motions the others to huddle up) he’s really kind of shy. And quiet. And nerdy. And instead of fighting dragons or rescuing maidens, he likes to play with model trains all day, which is kind of weird. FABREEZE. But trains won’t be invented for another 400 years. MESSENGER. Yeah, that’s why it’s so weird. Anyways, none of the princesses in any of the surrounding kingdoms wants to marry him, so his parents figured they’d do this big dance party thing and marry him off before he got any weirder. ALBERTA. I don’t care how odd he is, he’s still a prince and that means after I marry him, I get to live in the castle! MESSENGER. Well fair ladies… (Looks at FABIO) …and you…I wish you a most delightful evening and much success in your endeavors. And now I must beg your pardon, for I still have (Looks at list) 52 messages to deliver in only (Looks at watch) 45 minutes. And alas, because I am considered management, there shall be no overtime for me. (MESSENGER exits.) ALBERTA. Can you believe it!? We get to go to a ball at the palace! And I will get the prince to fall in love with me and marry me and then I will become the queen and rule the whole country. FABREEZE. And I will help you get the prince to fall in love with you. And then I shall be the mother of the queen and I shall tell you how to rule the whole country! FABIO. I wonder if they’ll have those little pigs in a blanket? Those are some good eating. CINDERELLA. I think I will wear the new dress that I sewed out of hay. It’s a little itchy, but I won’t mind if I get to see the palace and meet the prince!

Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother


FABIO, ALBERTA, and FABREEZE. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! CINDERELLA. What are you laughing at? FABREEZE. You’re most certainly not going to the ball. FABIO. Yeah, you’re kind of smelly because you spend all day in the mud and other stuff in the barn. CINDERELLA. I can take a bath. ALBERTA. But then there might not be enough hot water for me. Besides, I can’t be seen attending a ball with someone who’s wearing a hay dress. CINDERELLA. I could borrow one of your dresses. ALBERTA. Ooooowwwww. No. CINDERELLA. Please, wicked step-mother, can’t I go to the ball? FABREEZE. Now Cinderella, if you were to go to the ball, who would be here in case they deliver the llamas? All right Fabio and Alberta, if we’re going to a ball, we’ll need to shave our backs! (ALBERTA, FABIO, FABREEZE exit.) CINDERELLA. Oh why can’t I go to the ball? It’s not fair. All I want to do is wear a beautiful dress and beautiful shoes and ride in a beautiful carriage to the beautiful palace and have one beautiful dance with the beautiful prince! Is that too much to ask? Oh if there was only someone out there to hear my dreams. Someone who could make them all come true. If only I had a…fairy godmother to come and save me! (Looks straight out to audience, points at eye and says:) Wink! (CINDERELLA exits as scene changes to Fairy Godmother Headquarters. Enter BOSS, HORTENSE, ESPERANTO looking sick and groaning.) HORTENSE. Ohhhhh! My stomach! BOSS. Ohhhh! My head! ESPERANTO. Ohhhhh! My…blurp… (Runs off to throw up.)

Ed Monk


BOSS. Hortense, how bad is it? Did everyone eat the potato salad? HORTENSE. Not only did everyone eat it, everyone had seconds. Oh, I’ve never felt so sick in my life! (Enter ESPERANTO.) BOSS. Esperanto! How could you buy five gallons of potato salad that had food poisoning!? ESPERANTO. Well, it was kind of warm today and I might have left the potato salad sitting on the carriage seat for a little too long and…blurp… (Runs off to throw up.) BOSS. What did the doctor say? HORTENSE. She said everyone would be fine in about four or five hours. But until then, we probably wouldn’t want to get too far away from the bathroom. (Enter ESPERANTO.) ESPERANTO. You can say that again. Sorry about the food poisoning, Boss, but on the bright side, we didn’t pay a lot of money for the potato salad. (Sound of alarm going off.) What’s that? HORTENSE. (Looking at screen:) Oh no! It’s Cinderella! She’s asking for help! BOSS. Quick Esperanto! Get down there and save Cinderella and make us all proud of you! ESPERANTO. Right Boss! I’ll just go and… Blurp…oh no… (Runs off to throw up.) HORTENSE. It’s not going to look too good if the Fairy Godmother in Cinderella is running out to throw up every three minutes! BOSS. I know that! We’ll just have to send someone else. HORTENSE. But Boss, there isn’t anyone else. They’re all sicker than Esperanto! This is a disaster. If we don’t help Cinderella tonight, she’ll never marry the Prince and live happily ever after! No one will ever call on a fairy godmother for help again. Oh woe is us!

Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother


BOSS. Don’t despair, Hortense. We may still have one hope. When everybody started to get sick, I took the precaution of calling in…a sub! HORTENSE. A what? BOSS. A substitute fairy godmother. I got her off of the sub list. HORTENSE. But this is Cinderella! The most important fairy godmother in history! You can’t send a substitute fairy godmother! BOSS. We don’t have a choice. It’s either send a sub or abandon Cinderella to the cruel fates! We can only hope that this substitute Fairy Godmother is a good one! (Enter LUCRETIA, looking very unlike anyone’s idea of a fairy godmother and carrying a huge carpetbag.) LUCRETIA. Hellooooo! Did someone call for a substitute fairy godmother? BOSS. Are you the sub? LUCRETIA. Why yes I am. My name is Lucretia Fossilwart. Oh my goodness gracious, you don’t look well at all. Are you feeling sick? BOSS. Yes! We all have food poisoning! That’s why we called for you. Now how much experience have you had? LUCRETIA. Experience in what? HORTENSE. In being a fairy godmother! LUCRETIA. Oh, yes, I see what you mean. Well, let’s see. I got my Fairy Godmothering Certificate at the Community College. Of course that was 15 years ago, so I might be just a little rusty on some of the spells and whatnot. Then there was that one time I helped remove a wart from a troll. No wait, that was an elf. Or maybe it was just a very short person. Anyway, it was a rather large wart. But then it grew back later, so I don’t know if that really counts. HORTENSE. That’s it! That’s all the experience you’ve had!? LUCRETIA. Well, yes.

Ed Monk


BOSS. What do you do the rest of your time? LUCRETIA. I sell scented candles. In fact, if you’re interested, I have a brochure with me. Our candle of the month is Crab and my goodness gracious whenever you light it, you could just swear that you were at the ocean. Or behind a seafood restaurant. HORTENSE. You mean to tell us that you’ve never worked as a substitute Fairy Godmother before. LUCRETIA. Oh heavens no. Well, there was that one time, of course it was seven years ago. It was so unfortunate. BOSS. What was unfortunate? LUCRETIA. Well it was all a little misunderstanding. You see I was supposed to turn this little wooden puppet into a boy. But in the book of spells, the spell for boys and yaks are on the same page, and I had just gotten my new contacts and everything was a little blurry and so I turned him into a yak instead of a boy. My goodness, you’ve never heard so much yelling in your life. And it was just a little boo boo. And since then, I just haven’t gotten a lot of calls to substitute. HORTENSE. Boss, we can’t send her, we need to find somebody else! BOSS. There’s no time to get anyone else. The royal ball is starting in 10 minutes. If we don’t get someone down there now, Cinderella will miss the whole thing! (Enter ESPERANTO.) ESPERANTO. What’s going on? Who’s this? BOSS. There’s no time to explain, do you have the work order for Cinderella? ESPERANTO. Sure, it’s right here. (Pulls out work order.) BOSS. (Giving work order to LUCRETIA:) Everything you need to know is on that list! You must help Cinderella get to that ball! ESPERANTO. Hey, what’s going on here? I’m the one who’s supposed to…blurp!… (Runs off to throw up.)

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LUCRETIA. Oh land’s sake, that poor person looks sick, is she going to be all right? BOSS. She’ll be fine, now get moving. And remember, the future of Fairy Godmothers all over the world lies in your hands! LUCRETIA. Well my goodness, isn’t that something? Well I certainly will do my best. Um, now this is just a little embarrassing, but is the spell for transporting down to Earth Bippity Boppity Bappity Bob or is it Boopity Buppity Beppity Borf? HORTENSE. It’s shazam! LUCRETIA. Oh yes, silly, silly me. Of course it is. My goodness, sometimes I just don’t know where my mind goes. Of course so many of those silly spells all sound alike. Don’t you wonder why they couldn’t have made them simpler? It certainly seems to me that… BOSS. GO! LUCRETIA. Oh yes, I’m so sorry, sometimes I just get chatting away and time just slips by and the next thing you know it’s been… BOSS and HORTENSE. GO! LUCRETIA. Yes indeedy, well wish me luck. Now where did I put my wand? It was just here a moment ago…I swear, if my head wasn’t screwed onto my neck, I wouldn’t be able to find my ear, now I know it has to be here someplace… (LUCRETIA exits, looking in bag for the wand.) HORTENSE. Boss, I think we’re in big trouble. BOSS. You’re telling me because I think I’m going to be…blurp… (BOSS runs off to throw up with HORTENSE chasing behind.) HORTENSE. Boss, Boss… (Scene change to House. Enter CINDERELLA who stands in exact position she was in at the end of the last scene.)


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CINDERELLA. Oh if there was only someone out there to hear my dreams. Someone who could make them all come true. If only I had a…Fairy Godmother to come and save me! (Sound of huge crash, LUCRETIA comes stumbling in.) LUCRETIA. Oh my goodness gracious, that smarts. Why I landed right on my…oh hello. Who are you? CINDERELLA. I am Cinderella, a poor and despondent girl in desperate need of help. And who might you be, oh mysterious one? LUCRETIA. My name is Lucretia Fossilwart; I’m so pleased to meet you. Would you be interested in buying some scented candles? CINDERELLA. I beg your pardon? LUCRETIA. Would you like to buy some scented candles? Oh my goodness a house isn’t a home until you have scented candles. And please don’t take this personally, because I’m sure you must work hard every day around animals and get all sweaty, but this room could do with a little freshening up. Now to cover a strong stench like this, I usually recommend our French Vanilla. Unfortunately, that has a tendency to fall over and burn people’s houses down. So maybe we should go with the Cinnamon. CINDERELLA. Ok, what’s going on here? Aren’t you supposed to be my Fairy Godmother? LUCRETIA. Oh my goodness gracious, that’s right! I completely forgot! I just got so mixed up with all of that whizzing through the air and then the big poofing stuff and I just don’t know where my mind goes sometimes. CINDERELLA. So you are my Fairy Godmother? LUCRETIA. Oh yes indeedy. Well, I’m the substitute Fairy Godmother. You see the scheduled godmother got food poisoning and so they called me in. Well you’ve just got to be so very careful with potato salad in the heat or really any kind of food with mayonnaise in it. Now my mother used to make a potato salad that had no mayonnaise in it at all. She used to use Crisco instead. That way, it didn’t matter if it stayed in the heat. Of course it didn’t taste very

Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother


good so no one would ever eat it. But then Mom always used to say, “better safe than…” CINDERELLA. Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but the ball started two hours ago and if I don’t get there soon, the Prince will already be married and on his way to the honeymoon. So if you just kind of hurry it up a little, that would be great. LUCRETIA. Oh yes of course, they did tell me it was a rush job. (Looking at work order:) All righty then, now, you want to be a boy, is that right? CINDERELLA. What!? I don’t want to be a boy! I want to go to the ball! LUCRETIA. Oh dear, that was my last job. (Changing work orders:) Now let’s see here, oh here we are. Cinderella. Got it. Oh of course you don’t want to be a boy, how silly of me. I bet you don’t want to be a yak either? CINDERELLA. What!? LUCRETIA. Now then, you need a coach made out of a pumpkin. Oh, that’s rather a difficult one. Let’s see…Bramptippity Brawtwersty Brewski…no, that’s not it. Um…Ickity Splickity Splotchity…no that isn’t it. Why don’t we save that one for later? Now next on the list are three mice turned into coachmen. Oh yes, that’s much easier. Now where do you keep your mice, dear? CINDERELLA. I don’t keep any mice. The only mice we have are in the walls. LUCRETIA. Splendid. Well, here we go. Prepare to be amazed! Rickity Rackity Rocketity Roo, Spleckity Spackley Sis Boom Boo! (Sound of loud crash as MAURICE, WEMBLY, and WASABI come crashing in.) MAURICE. Dude, that was strange. WEMBLY. Dude, like what happened? WASABI. Dudes, are we in heaven?

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CINDERELLA. What are you doing!? These aren’t three coachmen! They’re not even three mice! These are three pigs! LUCRETIA. Well yes, it would appear so. Excuse me gentlemen…er…gentlepigs. Did you used to be mice? WASABI. Lady do we look like mice? Oink. WEMBLY. We’re pigs, lady! Do we look like we have tails? (MAURICE whispers into WEMBLY’s ear.) Oh. Well OK, so we got tails! But we don’t squeak, we hate cheese and we’re about 50 times the size of any mices! MAURICE. What exactly are we doing here? And who are you two? And what happened to the wolf? CINDERELLA. What wolf? WASABI. Well, there was this big bad wolf see, and he was getting ready to knock down Wembly’s house and eat us. Only we got a little surprise waiting for him. (PIGS all high-five.) WEMBLY. But the next thing we know is there was this huge flash and we found ourselves here. MAURICE. Hey lady, you got any chips and dips? I’m starving. That wolf has been trying to eat us all day and we didn’t get any lunch! WEMBLY. Chips! WASABI. Dip! WEMBLY. Chips! WASABI. Dip! WEMBLY. Chips! WASABI. Dip! CINDERELLA. Be quiet! (To LUCRETIA:) Well, what are we going to do now?

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LUCRETIA. Well guys, since you’re here, would you be willing to pull a carriage made out of a pumpkin carrying this lovely young lady to a ball at the palace? MAURICE, WEMBLY, and WASABI. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WASABI. Lady, I can tell you right now, that ain’t gonna happen! CINDERELLA. Are you insane!? I can’t go to the ball in a carriage pulled by a bunch of pigs! WEMBLY. Hey! Who you calling pigs!? MAURICE. Dude, we are pigs. MAURICE. Oh, right. Sorry lady. Say what about them chips and dips. We’re famished. WEMBLY. Chips! WASABI. Dip! WEMBLY. Chips! WASABI. Dip! CINDERELLA. Go in the pantry, there may be some chips in there. MAURICE. What about dips? CINDERELLA. Go! (MAURICE, WASABI, WEMBLY exit to pantry.) CINDERELLA. Look at the time! I’m going to miss the ball! I’ll never fall in love with the prince and get married and live happily ever after! LUCRETIA. Well now my dear, don’t worry, we’ll get this all straightened out. CINDERELLA. How!? I’ve got no way to get to the ball. I have no carriage and no coachmen. LUCRETIA. Well, what about a piggy back ride? CINDERELLA. GET ME TO THAT BALL!

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LUCRETIA. Well, I do have 10 gold pieces; I suppose we could just call a cab. Of course it’s not very romantic, but given the circumstances I suppose… CINDERELLA. Fine, call the cab. Now hurry up and give me my dress. LUCRETIA. Your what? CINDERELLA. My dress! My beautiful gown that I get to wear to the ball! LUCRETIA. Oh yes, I forgot. Well you know, what you have on right now is certainly lovely. CINDERELLA. I’m dressed in rags and I smell like cows! LUCRETIA. Oh, is that what that odor is? Well, I’ll try. Although the beautiful gown spell is rather difficult and I haven’t done it in a very long time. But here goes…Wingity Wonkity Wackity Watchet. Wabashaty Babbity Bubbity Boop! (Sound of huge crash and scream.) LUCRETIA. Oh dear, that doesn’t sound good. (MERWIN comes crashing in wearing a very ugly dress.) MERWIN. I say old chaps, that was rather a shocker, what? How do? My name is Merwin. Merwin the Big Bad Wolf. And whom do I have the pleasure to be speaking toom? CINDERELLA. Are you kidding me!? Is that supposed to be my beautiful gown!? One, it’s ugly! And two, it’s on a WOLF! LUCRETIA. Well now in all fairness, I did get part of it right. You see, in the manual, the spell for beautiful gowns is right next to the spell for ugly gowns and animal transportation. MERWIN. I say, I don’t mean to interrupt, but if it wouldn’t be too much of a bother, could you please possibly tell me where I am? And why I’m wearing a dress? LUCRETIA. Well that’s Cinderella and I’m her Fairy Godmother… CINDERELLA. Substitute!

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LUCRETIA. I’m her substitute Fairy Godmother and we were trying to get her a dress for the ball and it seems you came along with it. MERWIN. Bit of a rum go, what? As for myself, I was in the process of shopping for my dinner when I found myself here. Jolly peculiar, what? CINDERELLA. Oh no! Look at the time! If I’m not out of here in five minutes, I might as well go out and build the llama barn! Hey wolf, get out of my dress now! MERWIN. Gadzooks! My dear lady, if I were to take off this dress, ugly as it is, I would be totally naked! CINDERELLA. You’re a wolf! You’re always naked! MERWIN. Oh. Quite right. Terribly sorry. Well then of course you may have the dress. It’s rather ugly anyway. Let me just… (Enter MAURICE, WASABI, and WEMBLY from pantry carrying bags of chips.) WASABI. Hey lady, you’re all out of dip and Maurice ate all of your pickles! WEMBLY. Hey! It’s the wolf! MERWIN. The pigs! (They all start running around and screaming and chasing each other in very silly ways and the chips are flying all over the place.) CINDERELLA. STOP IT! (They all stop running and yelling.) CINDERELLA. What are you doing!? WEMBLY. He’s trying to eat us! MERWIN. I am merely attempting to secure my supper. I see nothing wrong whatsoever in that. MAURICE. Oh yeah, how’d you like it if we tried to eat you! MERWIN. That would be very bad form old chap.

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WASABI. I’ll bad form you… CINDERELLA. Knock it off! OK, all of you listen up and listen up good! Tonight is the most important night of my life and I am not going to let a bunch of pigs, a wolf or a nutcase ruin it for me. LUCRETIA. (Whispers in CINDERELLA’s ear:) Who’s the nutcase? CINDERELLA. YOU! Now get this straight. No one is eating anyone in this house! (To MERWIN:) You, take off my dress, NOW! (MERWIN takes off dress aided by the PIGS.) CINDERELLA. (To LUCRETIA:) And you, give me my glass slippers! LUCRETIA. Glass slippers? CINDERELLA. Don’t tell me you haven’t got my glass slippers!? LUCRETIA. Well you see I haven’t actually ever learned the spell for those. I could possibly try and create some patent leather clogs. MERWIN. I say, glass slippers sound very dangerous to me. WASABI. Yeah, what if you stubbed your toe? The shoes could shatter and then you’d cut your feet all up. MAURICE. Or s’posing you have real ugly feet? Then everyone would see them. WEMBLY. Plus, wouldn’t you have to have glass socks to go along with the glass slippers? CINDERELLA. All right! Forget about the glass slippers! (To LUCRETIA:) Just give me your shoes. LUCRETIA. But… CINDERELLA. Listen, I am not going to the ball barefoot. Now give me your shoes! LUCRETIA. Very well. (She lifts up skirt to reveal extremely ugly shoes.) CINDERELLA. Oh that’s just great!

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(As LUCRETIA takes off shoes, CINDERELLA takes dress away from MERWIN, then grabs shoes from LUCRETIA.) CINDERELLA. I’m going to the ball and when I get back here, I don’t want to see a pig, a wolf or YOU! Got it!? GOOD!? (She starts to exit.) LUCRETIA. Oh I forgot! You must be home by midnight. CINDERELLA. Why? LUCRETIA. Or…something will happen. I just wish I knew what it was. Oh dear. But they said you had to be home by midnight. CINDERELLA. Oh for the love of Mike! TAXI! (CINDERELLA exits out door.) MERWIN. I say, is she always that overwrought? WASABI. Yeah, she needs to take some medication or something. LUCRETIA. Well some people just don’t handle pressure very well. (Scene change to Palace. Enter VLADIMIR and SHANIA.) SHANIA. Vlad darling, do you really think this will work? VLADIMIR. Course it will work. After all, the boy is 27 years old. It’s time he stops playing with trains and get married and have babies and become the king and then…die. SHANIA. Well I would like him to get married. Although I’m not so sure about this whole ball thing. VLADIMIR. Why? What’s wrong with it? I thought it up. So it must be a good idea. SHANIA. Well normally I’d agree, except for the fact that Charmfull has never been to a ball, he’s tone deaf, and couldn’t dance if his life depended on it. Plus the fact that he doesn’t like to talk to people and he gets hiccups when he’s nervous. Besides that, it’s a great idea.


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VLADIMIR. I’m glad you agree with me. Of course if you didn’t agree with me, that would be treason and I would have to have you arrested and thrown in the dungeon. SHANIA. Yes well, then I would have to have you arrested for arresting the queen, because that would be treason as well. And then we would both be in the dungeon and there would be no one left to run the country except for Charmfull. VLADIMIR. Oh. Well we wouldn’t want that. All right, I won’t ever arrest you then my little pork chop. SHANIA. Thank you lambie pie. Oh look, here comes Charmfull now. (Enter CHARMFULL. He has a model train in his hands.) CHARMFULL. Look Mummy and Daddy. I just finished my new model train. Isn’t it keen? VLADIMIR. Son, you’re 27 years old, you’re going to be king of this country one day. Don’t you think it’s time you stopped using words like “keen”? SHANIA. I’m afraid I must agree with your father, it doesn’t sound very kingly. CHARMFULL. How about Nifty? Swell? The cat’s pajamas? VLADIMIR. (To SHANIA:) Look, I give up. Let’s just have another child. SHANIA. Not unless you plan on having the baby this time. 32 hours of labor was enough for me. Besides, Charmfull will do just fine at the ball. Um, darling, you won’t actually be taking any of your toys to the ball, will you? CHARMFULL. Mother! I’ve told you a hundred times! They are not toys. They are scale models based on the actual design of the trains. Whenever they are actually invented. And no, I will not be bringing them to the ball because I will not be going to the ball. I don’t want to get a wife. I wouldn’t know what to do with a wife. What do you say to a wife? It’s just too much, I’m not going.

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VLADIMIR. Look, you’re going to that ball and find a wife tonight or else! CHARMFULL. Or else what? SHANIA. Your father and I have discussed this. Well, what happened was that I discussed it and your father screamed and yelled a lot. Until he finally agreed with me. What we decided was that if you don’t find a wife tonight, we’re going to sell all of your trains on eBay. CHARMFULL. WHAT!? You wouldn’t dare! VLADIMIR. Oh yes we would! So it’s your choice, a wife or model trains! What’s it going to be? CHARMFULL. This is so unfair! Why did I have to be born a prince? Why couldn’t I have just been born a…(Looking towards heaven:)…llama farmer? SHANIA. Well you’re not a llama farmer! You’re a prince! And why would anyone be dumb enough to raise llamas? CHARMFULL. Well you sell their fur and you can make llama cheese and… VLADIMIR. Enough! Are you going to the ball or not!? CHARMFULL. Fine! I’ll go and get married! But I’m not going to like it! VLADIMIR. Well why should you be different from anyone else? (There is a beat and then SHANIA turns to give VLADIMIR a death look.) SHANIA. What was that!? VLADIMIR. Um…er…what I said is that…um…er…um…what I meant was…I am a very stupid man. SHANIA. That’s right! Very well, let the ball begin! (Enter ENSEMBLE, PANTEEN, NOXIMA and ALBERTA, FABIO, and FABREEZE as cheesy music plays. They all engage in some very funny, spastic dancing. Disco, break dancing, line danc-

Ed Monk


ing…whatever is silly and floats your boat. When the dance is done, VLADIMIR addresses the crowd.) VLADIMIR. Welcome all to this most special royal ball. Tonight we are gathered to choose a bride for our son, Prince Charmfull, heir to the throne! (Cheers.) SHANIA. And now the Prince would like to welcome you all. CHARMFULL. What! VLADIMIR. Go on son, and speak up! SHANIA. (Grabbing model train out of his hands:) Give me this. CHARMFULL. Er… (He mumbles something that we can’t hear.) ENSEMBLE. What!? CHARMFULL. (He hiccups all through the speech.) I said I don’t really want to do this. I hate dances. I hate dancing. And I don’t want to get married. I’d much rather be working on my new model train than be at this dumb ball. It’s really big and it has six wheels and real smoke comes out of the smokestack and it’s better than any wife. So…welcome. (ENSEMBLE looks confused and gives half-hearted applause.) SHANIA. Great! Well, let’s get the party started! VLADIMIR. And now, will each fair young maiden line up for your dance with Prince Charmfull. (If the ENSEMBLE is used, all members of the ENSEMBLE line up for their dance with CHARMFULL. NOXIMA, PANTEEN, ALBERTA, FABIO, and FABREEZE are at the end of the line. Each girl does a short spastic dance with the prince and has a few lines of conversation with him. See the end of the script for possible ensemble bits. If either the ensemble or Panteen and Noxima are not being used, skip directly to Albeta, Fabio, and Fabreeze lines.) (After the end of the ensemble bits, NOXIMA steps up for her dance.)

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NOXIMA. Oh your Princeness, I’ve just been dying to meet and finally get a chance to talk to you and I just know that we’re going to fall in love tonight and get married because my psychic told me so and she also said that we were going to have 10 babies! CHARMFULL. What!? NOXIMA. I think we should name them Alice, Susan, Peter, Kumquat, Mildred, Brick, Tommy, Marco, Cinnamon and Charmfull Junior! Also, I’d like to build us a new house. The castle is nice and all but I hate it. It’s all cold and damp and made out of stone and rocks and the walls are so thick. CHARMFULL. That’s to keep the bad guys out. NOXIMA. HAHAHAHAH! You are so cute. Anyway, I want to build a little split level Cape Cod ranch house with a swimming pool and a four-car carport and also I want a nice white fence and lots and lots of shrubs and bushes and whatnot. Also I was thinking about it and I really don’t like the title Queen very much because the Queen is always weaker than the King and I don’t think that that is the basis of a healthy relationship so I was thinking that when you become King I would be called Co-King. Either that or you could be called Co-Queen. CHARMFULL. What!? NOXIMA. (Putting her head on his shoulder:) Is there something wrong pookie? CHARMFULL. Ummmm…say, would you like to see the moat? It’s really beautiful at this time of night; you can’t see all of the gross things floating in it. NOXIMA. Well we are certainly going to have to get rid of any moats; they are just too dangerous with 10 little kids running around! CHARMFULL. Exactly what I was thinking! Maybe we could take the moat out and put in some…curtains or something. Say, why don’t you go down there and start measuring for the curtains and I’ll be right along! NOXIMA. Oh snookums! I’ll go do that right now!

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34 (NOXIMA exits.)

CHARMFULL. I guess I should have told her that it’s really, really slippery around the moat. Oh well. (PANTEEN steps up for her dance. She stands next to CHARMFULL who is dancing, but she just stands there looking miserable. After a few beats, CHARMFULL speaks.) CHARMFULL. I say, aren’t you going to dance? PANTEEN. (Crying:) I don’t want to dance! CHARMFULL. Oh. But see, I think you’re supposed to dance with me so that I can decide if I want to marry you. PANTEEN. I don’t want to marry you! CHARMFULL. Oh good, I don’t want to marry you either. Er…that is I don’t want to marry anyone. But say, if you don’t want to marry me, why are you at the ball? PANTEEN. My parents made me come! They want me to marry a prince, but I want to marry Oscar! CHARMFULL. Who is Oscar? PANTEEN. Oscar is the name of my boyfriend. He’s the village podiatrist! He’s the most wonderful man in the whole world! He’s smart and good looking and he’s brave. He’s not like you at all. And I love him and want to marry him but my parents won’t let me! CHARMFULL. Why ever not? PANTEEN. They say he doesn’t have enough money! But it’s not his fault. People in fairy tales don’t usually pay attention to proper foot care! Oh Oscar! I love you so! CHARMFULL. Well how much money do your parents want Oscar to have? PANTEEN. At least 25 dollars! Oh Oscar, my heart is breaking for your love! CHARMFULL. 25 dollars? Is that all!?

Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother


PANTEEN. Where is Oscar going to get that kind of money!? He’s not a very good podiatrist. Oh Oscar, my life is meaningless without you! CHARMFULL. Look, if I give you the money, will you go away? PANTEEN. Would you do that!? CHARMFULL. Here, take these 12 gold pieces and fly to your lover’s arms! PANTEEN. 12 gold pieces? Is that as much as 25 bucks? CHARMFULL. Look lady, take the money and run! PANTEEN. Oh Oscar, my honey bunny of loveliness, I’m on my way to you! I love you my little Oscar-woscer! CHARMFULL. OK, you can go now. PANTEEN. Oscar, I’m coming my apple dumpling lambie pie strudel chops! CHARMFULL. SECURITY! PANTEEN. Hey thanks Prince! Gee, you’re not as weird as everyone says you are! (PANTEEN exits.) ALBERTA. This is so exciting. He will fall in love with me faster than you can say Jack Robinson! FABIO. Jack Robinson. Is he in love with you yet? ALBERTA. I haven’t even met him yet. FABIO. But you said… FABREEZE. (Smacks FABIO.) Now Alberta, make sure that when you are dancing with the prince, you talk about things that make him interested in you. FABIO. Hey, talk about llamas! He’ll think that’s cool. FABREEZE. You will most certainly not mention llamas to the prince. Talk about jewels and clothes and art and gold and war. Things like that.


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FABIO. What should I say to him mummy? FABREEZE. What are you talking about? FABIO. What should I say to the prince? FABREEZE. You’re not going to say anything to him. Unless you want to dance with him. FABIO. Oh. No thanks. I think I’ll go get some more pigs in a blanket. FABREEZE. Now remember to smile a lot and sweat a little. ALBERTA. Don’t worry, he’ll propose to me before the dance is over. (ALBERTA and CHARMFULL begin a slow dance. During the dance he is very clumsy and awkward and steps on her feet. He also hiccups constantly.) ALBERTA. Oh your majesty, I am so pleased to meet you. CHARMFULL. Likewise I’m sure. ALBERTA. It must be so wonderful to live here in the palace with all of the silk tapestries and marvelous sculptures and great artwork and storerooms full of gold. CHARMFULL. My room gets a little drafty in the winter, but that’s because I live up in the tower. ALBERTA. (Laughs.) Oh your majesty, you have such a wonderful sense of humor! No wonder all of the ladies here want to marry you. CHARMFULL. I think it’s mainly because I’m rich and I’m going to be King someday. ALBERTA. Oh really, I guess I hadn’t thought about that. My, but you’re a lovely dancer. CHARMFULL. Really? That’s funny; I keep stepping on everyone’s feet. Plus I’m tone deaf and I’m not very co-coordinated. All the other girls kept crying and making faces.

Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother


ALBERTA. Take my word for it, your majesty, you’re an…amazing dancer. CHARMFULL. Gosh that’s nice of you to say. Hey I’m supposed to get married tonight, would you like to be… (He starts to get on his knee to propose.) (Enter CINDERELLA, looking very bedraggled, wearing the ugly dress and ugly shoes.) CINDERELLA. ALL RIGHT! WHERE’S THE PRINCE!? VLADIMIR. Who are you? CINDERELLA. I’m a fair maiden and I got invited to the ball and I’m going to dance with the prince and nobody better try and stop me because I’ve had a really, really lousy night! SHANIA. That’s the prince over there. CINDERELLA. (To ALBERTA, pushing her aside:) Look out honey, I’m cutting in. (CINDERELLA and CHARMFULL start dancing.) SHANIA. I say darling, who is that strange young woman? VLADIMIR. No idea. But knowing Charmfull, that’s exactly the kind of woman he’d marry. ALBERTA. Mummy! Did you see what that girl did to me!? FABREEZE. I did. But have no fears my dear, there is no way she can compete with your beauty, charm and grace. But I wonder, who can that mysterious stranger be? FABIO. Are you kidding? It’s Cinderella. She has a really ugly dress on and some funny looking shoes, but I mean she looks the same. What, are you going blind? ALBERTA. Why I’ll go tear her away from the prince right now! FABREEZE. No, it will cause a scene and would look bad. Let Cinderella have her little dance. And then I will deal with her, once and for all. FABIO. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ed Monk


FABREEZE. What are you doing? FABIO. I was doing my evil laugh, cause you’re going to do something bad to Cinderella when she gets home. FABREEZE. Oh for heaven’s sake, I’m just going to ground her. Go and eat some pigs in the blanket! (FABIO exits.) ALBERTA. Oh mother, she’s still dancing with the prince! How much longer is she going to hog him? FABREEZE. Don’t worry; the ball is over at midnight, in just a few minutes. Then the prince shall be yours. Now let’s go get some pigs in a blanket. (FABREEZE and ALBERTA exit.) (CHARMFULL and CINDERELLA are dancing but not saying anything. CHARMFULL coughs nervously once or twice but CINDERELLA does not respond.) CHARMFULL. Are you all right? You seem a little frazzled. CINDERELLA. You can say that again. This was supposed to be the greatest night of my life and now it’s just a disaster. All I want to do is have my stupid dance and go home. CHARMFULL. Oh. I’m sorry. My name is Prince Charmfull. I’m the prince. (He does a very awkward curtsy.) CINDERELLA. (Starting to cry:) I know! CHARMFULL. Oh please don’t cry. (He reaches out a hand to comfort CINDERELLA but is not sure what to do or where to put his hand. After a few awkward attempts, he eventually winds up patting the top of her head.) CHARMFULL. There, there. You should be happy. You’re at the ball and you have a beautiful dress on. (They both look at the dress and then each other.) Well it’s not beautiful but it is…a dress. But your shoes are…well they’re… But your perfume, it smells like…it smells like cows.

Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother


(CINDERELLA cries even harder.) CINDERELLA. Wait till I take care of 100 llamas all day, then I’ll really smell good. CHARMFULL. Llamas? Did you say llamas? CINDERELLA. Yeah, starting tomorrow besides all of my other miserable chores, I have to take care of 100 llamas. That is, after I build their llama barn when I get home. CHARMFULL. You mean to say that you are going to build a barn? By yourself? CINDERELLA. Sure, I build everything around our house. And I milk the cows and make the cheese and… CHARMFULL. Will you be making llama cheese? CINDERELLA. Yeah. Why, do you like llama cheese? CHARMFULL. Oh indeed I do. Why when I’m in my workshop building my models, there’s nothing I like better than a big slab of llama cheese. CINDERELLA. Well I’ll be up to my armpits in llama cheese, so I’ll send you over a couple of pounds. CHARMFULL. Oh that would be wonderful. CINDERELLA. Say, did you say you built models? CHARMFULL. Oh yes, I love to build things, don’t you? CINDERELLA. Yeah, building things is cool. Of course the things I build are huge, heavy structures because the rest of my family is too lazy to help out. But it is nice to look at something you’ve made with your own hands. CHARMFULL. I say, do you have trouble with your family as well? CINDERELLA. You could say that. What’s the problem with your family? (CHARMFULL looks over at VLADIMIR and SHANIA who each give him some kind of signal.)

Ed Monk


CHARMFULL. Oh they don’t like anything I do and they’re always criticizing me. CINDERELLA. Welcome to the club. CHARMFULL. What club? (Awkward pause as she looks at him.) Oh I almost forgot, I don’t know your name. CINDERELLA. Well it’s… (Bells begin to toll midnight.) CINDERELLA. Oh for the love of Mike! I gotta go. Hey thanks for the dance, it was fun. Except for the part where you stepped on my feet. (CINDERELLA runs out.) CHARMFULL. But wait! Wait! I don’t know who you are! I don’t know who you are! VLADIMIR. What on Earth are you yelling about? CHARMFULL. That girl who just left here, that is the woman I’m going to marry! SHANIA. Oh Charmfull, that’s wonderful! What is her name? CHARMFULL. Uh…I don’t know. VLADIMIR. Well where does she live? CHARMFULL. Not really sure. SHANIA. Where does she work? CHARMFULL. Can’t say. VLADIMIR. Well did she leave any clues as to her identity? (ALL look around at floor for the lost slipper, which is not there.) CHARMFULL. Nope. VLADIMIR. Ok, good work there son. SHANIA. Now don’t listen to your father darling. All you have to do is search the entire kingdom for her. That shouldn’t take more

Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother


than three or four years. If you’re lucky. (To VLADIMIR:) Come along sweetums, I think there are some pigs in the blankets left. VLADIMIR. Oh scrumptious! (VLADIMIR and SHANIA exit.) CHARMFULL. (To the heavens:) Don’t worry my darling! I shall find you no matter how far I shall have to travel! You know, if it’s not too far. (CHARMFULL exits. Scene change to house. PIGS and MERWIN are playing cards while LUCRETIA reads book.) MERWIN. I’ll raise you ten old chap. WASABI. Go on Wembly, he’s bluffing! MAURICE. He’s right! Go all in. WASABI. OK, I’m all in. What do you have? MERWIN. Full house, aces over kings. What have you got? WASABI. I’ve got four nines! (PIGS all celebrate victory.) MERWIN. No you don’t, two of those are sixes. You’ve got two pair. I win. WASABI. Doh! Thanks a lot fellas! (Bells strike midnight.) MERWIN. Hey Fairy Godmother lady, that’s midnight. You better get us out of here before Cinderella gets back. She didn’t look too happy when she left. LUCRETIA. I’ve almost got it. I think I found the right spell in this book of spells. Now let’s see. Iggity Piggity Pop! Wallabeee Wobble Gerplop! (Loud crash and screams. Enter RUMPELSTILTSKIN and PINOCCHIO.)


Ed Monk

RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Hey what’s going on here? Where is this place? Where’s that woman with the hay and the spinning wheel and the gold and the baby? PINOCCHIO. The last thing I remember was I was in the stomach of a whale. And boy did it stink! LUCRETIA. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I did it again. WEMBLY. No offense lady, but you’re a really rotten Fairy Godmother. LUCRETIA. Oh I know it. I should have just stuck to selling scented candles. PINOCCHIO. (Seeing LUCRETIA:) Hey wait a minute, I remember you! You’re that crazy lady who turned me into a yak! Remember me? Pinocchio? RUMPELSTILTSKIN. She did what? PINOCCHIO. She turned me into a yak. (Looking to heavens:) All I ever wanted to be was a little boy and so I made a wish upon a star and sang a song with a cricket and then… RUMPELSTILTSKIN. You sang a song with who? PINOCCHIO. I sang a song with a cricket. But he just doesn’t sing, he talks too. RUMPELSTILTSKIN. So, did you start talking to crickets after she turned you into a yak? PINOCCHIO. NO! I talked to the cricket before. So I made the wish on the star to become a real live little boy and then she showed up and said some magic words and the next thing I know, I’m a yak! LUCRETIA. Well I said I was sorry didn’t I? And I did give you a complimentary scented candle. PINOCCHIO. Yeah, and then it fell over and started a fire! And let me tell you, when you’re made out of wood, that’s no joke! RUMPELSTILTSKIN. What’s going on here?

Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother


MERWIN. Well, Cinderella called for a Fairy Godmother but they were all sick so they sent this substitute and she screwed everything up. And in about five minutes Cinderella’s going to come through that door and we’re all going to be in jolly big trouble unless we get out of here, what. RUMPELSTILTSKIN. All right, don’t panic. I can take care of everything! I’ll just say a few magic words and everything will be back to normal. However, you must pay my price. If I solve your problem, you must pay to me….your firstborn child! (Gasp from everyone.) Or fifty dollars. However, I will have mercy on you. I will give you three chances to guess my name and if… ALL. RUMPELSTILTSKIN! RUMPELSTILTSKIN. What!? How did you know my name!? WASABI. Dude, if you didn’t want people to know your name, you never should have written that book all about you and that straw into gold thing. RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Curses! Foiled again! But you have not heard the last of me, or else my name isn’t… ALL. RUMPELSTILTSKIN! RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Knock that off! PINOCCHIO. Hey you guys got any chips and dips? Or maybe some sawdust? RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Hey if you got some straw, I can spin it into gold and then we can order some pizza. (Enter CINDERELLA.) CINDERELLA. WHAT! What is going on here!? I thought I told you to get all of these people out of here! LUCRETIA. Well I tried but it isn’t easy. CINDERELLA. Wait a minute, who are these two guys? PINOCCHIO. I’m Pinocchio.

Ed Monk


RUMPELSTILTSKIN. My name is a secret but I’ll give you three guesses and… CINDERELLA. What is Rumpelstiltskin doing here!? My evil stepmother and evil step-sister and evil step-brother are going to be home any second! And if they find these people here, I’m going to be cleaning llama barns for the rest of my life! LUCRETIA. Wait a minute! You’re wearing both of your shoes! (ALL gasp.) CINDERELLA. Yeah, isn’t that how most people do it? LUCRETIA. No, no. You were supposed to leave one of the shoes at the ball so that the prince could use it to find you. Now he has no way of locating his one true love. Why didn’t you leave a shoe at the ball? CINDERELLA. (Getting right in LUCRETIA’s face, in a cold fury:) BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T TELL ME TO! LUCRETIA. Oh. Right. Sorry, my bad. CINDERELLA. Well this is just about the worst night of my life. And I haven’t even eaten anything all night long. Are there any chips and dip left? (They all look at each other guiltily.) MAURICE. Uh…no. CINDERELLA. Great! (Enter ALBERTA, FABIO, and FABREEZE.) FABIO. Cinderella, we know you went to the ball and boy are you in…whoa! Who are all of these people? FABREEZE. Cinderella! What is the meaning of all of this!? ALBERTA. What are all of these weirdoes doing in our house? CINDERELLA. (Pointing to LUCRETIA:) Why don’t you ask her? LUCRETIA. Helloooo. Would you be interested in purchasing some scented candles?

Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother


FABREEZE. Cinderella, I don’t what this is all about, but I can tell you this, from now on you’ll be living in the llama barn. As soon as you build it. CHARMFULL. (From offstage:) Not so fast! (CHARMFULL enters.) CHARMFULL. No one will dare harm a hair on the head of my princess bride to be! (He goes to CINDERELLA and isn’t sure what to do so he winds up putting his hand on top of her head.) ALL. Gasp! CINDERELLA. But your majesty, how did you find me? I didn’t leave a shoe. CHARMFULL. A shoe? How would a shoe help me find you? Unless you write your name in your shoes. But that would be a really strange thing to do. CINDERELLA. Then how did you find me? CHARMFULL. I asked the taxi cab company where you lived. Now if you don’t mind, would you come back to the palace and marry me and then we can work on my new model train together? CINDERELLA. Oh Prince Charmfull, nothing would make me happier! (She hugs him, leaving his hand in mid air, he awkwardly winds up putting it on her face.) CHARMFULL. Cool. And now that we’re going to be married, you don’t have to call me Prince Charmfull anymore. You can just call me Prince. CINDERELLA. Well, it looks like I’m off to be rich and famous. See you losers later. (CHARMFULL and CINDERELLA start to exit.) FABREEZE. Cinderella! What about all of these people? What do we do about them!?

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