eat hitler! - Flames Of War

eat hitler! - Flames Of War

EAT HITLER! The Nazi from an idea by Bruce Pettipas, influenced by Nic Robson, with additional material by Patrick Wilson, and others I don’t remembe...

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EAT HITLER!

The Nazi

from an idea by Bruce Pettipas, influenced by Nic Robson, with additional material by Patrick Wilson, and others I don’t remember owing to being a bit drunk at the time. Historical authentication and German translations by Dr Sam Mustafa, actual academic historian.

A G A AM N D E CO W O F M EL T EU L- IM PP DES E T FR A ER R E N V AV W EI CE E E I! N ! D L

Taste Treat

BY HOWARD WHITEHOUSE

APRIL 1945. BERLIN. Things aren’t going well for the Third Reich. Mistakes have been made. Plans have miscarried. The Russians are close. Very close, and they seem uncharitable in their intentions. Luckily, Nazi scientists have been working on important developments. Not the practical new weapons or even the zombies, werewolves and robots. No, they’ve got the time machine set up. In the bunker, next to the ersatz-coffee machine. It’s a brilliant scheme. Knowing what he knows now, Adolph Hitler will travel back to 1933 and get Everything Right This Time. He’ll take Bormann, and Eva Braun and Blondi the dog. There’s no room for Himmler, no matter how much he whines. It’s not a very big machine. They get in and make ready for the big moment.

But, as the Projekt Direktor reaches for the operating lever, adjusting the date dial twelve years backwards, a shell blast rocks the bunker. The director is thrown forward. Lights go out. There’s a strange whirring noise like something the Dr Who sound engineer might have come up with in 1963. And then, suddenly, it’s light again. Everyone looks out of the windows, “Ach! Dummköpfe!” screams the Fuhrer. “ Dies ist nicht Berlin in 1933! Das ist kein Brandenburger Tor!”* *“This is not Berlin in 1933. That is not the Brandenburg Gate!” Eva Braun knew that her sweetie was right about this, although she could not have told you that the big thing in front of her would become known as a brachiosaurus...

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PULP FICTION THE SET-UP

THE CAST

THE OBJECTIVE

Lay out a table at least 4' x 4'. You can make it larger if you like. It’s not like this is a historical simulation or anything. Place pieces of terrain in patches around the table - jungle, rocks, swamp, long grass, etc. - with clear spaces in between. Be as prehistoric as you like. Get into a mezozoic frame of mind.

On the Nazi side we have Hitler, Bormann, Braun and the dog. Add an operator if you like. Add a couple of SS men if you want. They can have machine-pistols if you like, because it doesn’t really make any difference. Goering, Goebbels, Himmler - bring ‘em on! I tend to have one Nazi per player, so that everyone has a chance to eat. I’m not worried if that’s a lot of people in our small vehicle. Realism is truly the last of our concerns.

All the players are meat-eating dinosaurs. Their objective is to EAT HITLER, and (to a lesser degree) his companions. The Nazis and herbivores are moved by players with the intention of preventing their fellows from EATING HITLER before they get their own chance to do so.

Place the time machine in the middle of the table. Suggestions made to represent this item include various German WWII vehicles: a black Mercedes, an Opel truck, a Kubelwagen, a basic VW bug. Tanks seem like overkill. A phone box has already been done. I’m using a diecast Schwimmwagen myself. The figures are a mix of 28mm metal WWII, a Pulp Figures female, Iron Winds velociraptors, and plastic dinosaurs from many sources, all cheap. 20mm plastics would serve as well for those on a budget.

Opposing them are carnivorous dinosaurs. They can be any type you like - small packs of velociraptors, huge T-Rex’s, anything in between. Each player gets one big dino or a pack of six small ones. It’s not as if we are inviting any actual palaeontologists to the game. Cluttering up the table are herbivores, who serve to get in the way and step on things they aren’t supposed to. Don’t overdo this. It would be unrealistic.

Above: Nameless (and hapless) Nazi minions. Below: ROAR!!!

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THE RULES

Herbivore Movement:

Shooting:

Place each carnivore anywhere on the edge of the table, equidistant from the time machine. Give each player a playing card as their own ‘your turn’ card, and deal them into a deck with a joker. Decide who moves by drawing the top card, and re-shuffle when the joker comes up. This is meant to be unfair.

Smaller herbivores move 2D6" away from the nearest carnivore. They will not step on a Nazi.

I include this purely to give the illusion that there is a chance of killing the carnosaurs. Effectively, there isn’t.

Sauropods ignore any carnivore more than 12" away from them. They will move away from any carnivore that approaches within 12", simply moving to maintain that distance. If they pass over a Nazi, roll a D6 on the “Mein Gott!” chart.

The soldiers have either rifles (1D6) or SMGs (3D6). If the figure does not move, it may fire once per turn, and get a hit on a 6. Small dinos fall over after one hit, larger after four hits, T-Rex (and bigger) after 20 hits (or more). If you get a “kill”, roll 2D6, a pair of sixes is a brain “kill”. On any other result the dinosaur will get back up on its feet next turn.

When your card comes up, move your carnivore 3D6" towards the nearest Nazi. On the first turn, they will all be getting out of the time machine. You must attempt to eat a Nazi if one is within range. You will not chase smaller herbivores unless they are directly in front of you and no Nazi is within reach. If you don’t reach anything edible (as you won’t, first off), move A) the Nazis and B) the Herbivores. Nazi Movement: Do they hold together as a group? Do they run in all directions? Who knows ? It’s your choice. Roll 3D6" for each Nazi and move them as you like. Use Bormann and the operator as decoys – they aren’t worth much! The SS men will always try to protect Hitler. Blondi, being a German Shepherd, will always attack any carnivore that comes within 12". Good dog! Patches of rough terrain count double distance for humans, but not for Blondi (or the dinosaurs). You aren’t allowed to make the Nazis run into the mouths of dinosaurs. These people may be evil, but they aren’t completely crazy.

Tricerotops move in herds of 3+ creatures at 2D6" in any direction the player chooses, although they won’t deliberately go within 12" of a carnosaur. If they move over a Nazi, roll as above. The stegosaurus is notably stupid, and will walk in front of (or over) anyone at any time, according to the player’s wish, at 2D6" per turn. If anyone or anything comes within 2" of its spiky tail, it will flick out, counting as a melee attack with four dice. You might want to let a player have the stegosaurus, purely to be obstructive.

Mein Gott! Roll a D6 1-2 Crushed Nazi. No points for anyone. 3-4 Brushed against Nazi. Unbelievably (!) the Nazi survives, but only moves 2D6" from now on. 5-6 – Terrified Nazi escapes, diving out of the path of the dinosaur.

Others have pistols, 1D6 looking for a 6 at a range of 6'' or less. Running is a better plan. Hand-to-Claw Combat: Roll the number of D6 shown below. A result of a 5 or 6 is a hit. SPECIES

MELEE D6

Nazi Blondi the dog

HITS/KILL

1 2

1 1

Velociraptor 1 Med. Carnosaur* 4 Allosaurus 10 T. Rex 12

1 4 15 20

Small herbivore Stegosaurus Tricerotops Sauropod

3 15 15 50

1 4 6 6

• Eryththrosuchus or ceratosaurus types – mine are from the old Ral Partha range.

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The Time Machine: The time machine will make a buzzing sound at the start of turn 3 (if there are a lot of players) or 4 (to make it last a bit longer). As soon as this goes off, all Nazis will move towards it until they reach it. It will return to 1945 at the end of the turn, carrying any survivors, and, indeed, any dinosaurs currently clambering on the roof. If Hitler reaches the time machine before all other surviving Nazis are present and accounted for, roll a D6. If Blondi and Eva are in the machine with him, he will press the return button for a roll of 2-6, leaving everyone else behind in Jurassic Park. If either one isn’t, he’ll do it on 4-6. Dinosaurs will not attack the time machine if it has no people inside, because it smells funny. If Nazis are inside, carnosaurs may try to rip their way in. They must attack the time machine, first rolling their usual number of dice for melee. Three hits will tear the roof off. Velociraptors only need one hit, however, as they understand how locks work. Once they gain access, roll for the ensuing bloodbath as usual.

VICTORY POINTS Hitler - 50 pts, Eva Braun - 20 pts, Blondi - 20 pts, Bormann - 10 pts, Nameless Nazi minion - 5 pts

Above: Adolf remains blissfully ignorant of the Stegosaurus’ notorious stupidity. Below: Blondi bravely defends Eva Braun, but only for the next few seconds.

Ending the Game: The time machine will return to April 1945, possibly carrying Hitler and other Nazis who are pleased to be back in the much safer surroundings of the Berlin Bunker. Or, possibly, just the bloodied and mangled remains of the craft, and three angry velociraptors. Which might, indeed, provide the makings for a sequel!

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