The Wizard of Oz: A Musical Comedy A Dramatic Composition in Three Acts By L. Frank Baum -:- "THE WIZARD OF OZ" -:- -:ACT I,-:At the rise of the curtain farm hands discovered. House servants are busy performing their various duties. One man on a wheat rack, Servants cleaning pans, etc in front of the house. Several girls enter carrying apples. They pelt the man on the wheat stack. Farm wagon with horse enters. Suddenly old man reading paper, rises and points to the approaching cyclone. Connection on part of everyone. They all excitedly and frantically rush off stage. The cyclone effect is worked upon the gauze. The scene then changes. When the lights go up Chorus discovered all dressed in blue and posed about a Maypole. A Maypole dance follows. Then the entrance of the Wicked Witch. She drives them about the stage until someone calls her attention to the approaching cyclone. All rush about wildly. Lights gradually go out. When they go up again, a house similar to the farmhouse of the Kansas Scene is discovered E. It is in a dilapidated condition. -:- ACT I -:SCENE I:- Descriptive Tableau, showing Kansas Prairie Farm, the cyclone, ascent of the house with Dorothy, and transformation to
SCENE II:- The munchkin country - Land of Oz followed by the descent of the house crushing of the wicked witch, etc. DISCOVERED: Chorus of Munchkins. 1st Girl Here's a catastrophe! 2nd Girl What a dreadful storm. 3rd Girl Never in the land of Oz has there been one like it. 4th Girl I wonder from what unknown country the storm blew this house. 5th Such a strange dwelling - so different from ours. 6th Girl The same storm that brought this shouse has blown half of our home away. (Noise off stage, shouts, cries, etc. Voice off stage. Reuben's) Reuben Bring her along. 8th Girl What's that? 9th Girl Somebody under arrest. A strange looking girl. 1st Girl A witch, perhaps. 2nd Girl The storm may have been her work. (Enter Reuben and Simon with Cynthia. R. #3. Cynthia suggests madness in her
costume and make-up.) Reuben Here's an enchantress. Do any of you know her? All No! Girl (To Cynthia) Who are you, and where do you come from? Cynthia My name is Cynthia, and I am a lady lunatic. (All recoil from her) 2nd Girl Does the asylum know you are out? Cynthia Fear nothing. I am not dangerous. Girl Your reason? Cynthia I've lost my reason. 1st Girl She's a sorceress. To the river with her. Cynthia That's no way to treat a perfect lady lunatic. 2nd Girl If you sink we'll believe you. Cynthia But I will not sink. I've been taking swimming lessons from a banker. 1st Girl Swimming lessons from a banker?
Cynthia Yes he told taught me how to float a loan. 1st Girl To the river. (They advance to her. Witch of the North enters and halts them) Witch (Locusta) Halt! What would you do with this girl? 1st Girl She's a sorceress, and her spells produced the recent cyclone. Witch Then you should thank her on your knees. The storm has made you free. All Free? Witch It dropped that house upon your cruel tyrant, the Wicked Witch. Her cruel spells and wicked enchantments have caused you endless misery. She hated love and happiness, and while she lived would not permit you to know them. (To Cynthia) If you are a member of the Sorceress' Union show your card. Cynthia I haven't one. I have never sorcered. I am only a sweet girl maniac. Listen, and I will tell you my story. (Crowd gather around her) I was once a saleslady in one of our largest department stores. 1st Girl Ah, yes, I have seen your open face at an
opening sale of umbrellas that wouldn't open. Cynthia No, I was at the alligator counter in the animal department. I was engaged to a young musician named Niccolo Chopper who played the piccolo. 1st Girl Poor girl! Cynthia He was so generous. As soon as our wedding day was fixed he gave me my alimony in advance. 6th Girl Where is he now? Cynthia The Wicked Witch enchanted him. He never returned. 2nd Girl How do you hope to find him? Cynthia By whistling his favorite tune. No matter what the witch may have made of him, if he hears the tune he will answer. 1st Girl Did he play it often? Cynthia For hours at a time. You can't imagine how he objected to a change of air. 1st Girl You doubtless learned to love it? Cynthia True. And on moonlight nights he would always play it in the vegetable garden back of my semi-Queen Anne suburban boarding house.
Witch of the North exits. NICCOLO'S PICCOLO Not with the twinkling lute Sought he to press his suit Nor with the sighing flute Came he zum-zumming Nor on, the gay guitar Under the twilight star, Could he be heard afar Softly a strumming. Chorus But, on the piercing piccolo, my highlygifted Niccolo Could charm with much celerity, a melody divine. Defying fell malaria, He'd execute his aria With marvelous dexterity, each night at half past nine. (Whistling chorus) II. Not with a slide trombone, were his soft pleadings blown Lacking were they in tune, blatant and blaring Nor with the violin, sought he, my heart to win Playing that garden in, his love declaring. Chorus same as 1st verse. Cynthia and Chorus, all exeunt at end of whistling refrain. [HANDWRITTEN: Using Piccolos] Enter Witch of the North and Girl, L.2. Witch Pointing to a house, R.2. Where did you say this house came from? 3d Girl From the skies, your highness.
Witch A strange abode from some unknown land. Sir Dashemoff Daily, enters hurriedly, L.3. Dash. News! Wonderful news! 3d Girl Of whom? Crowd enters R.3. Dash. Pastoria, the rightful king of Oz, has returned on the wings of the wind. 3d Girl Are you sure of that, Sir Dashemoff? Dash. The cyclone blew Pastoria home again. Aided by General Riskitt he has started a revolution already. 3d Girl Where's Pastoria going to find the money for his revolution? Dash. He's selling reserved seats for his own coronation. 1st Girl How came King Pastoria to leave the land of Oz? Witch One day, years ago, a balloon brought to the Emerald City a mysterious man from a mysterious place they call the earth. 1st Girl I've read about it in our children's books. Witch The stranger lured Pastoria into the
balloon and cut the ropes. It bore Pastoria through the clouds. The stranger remained and, because of his mystic arts, was crowned King of Oz. (Exit Witch) Dash. If Pastoria gets his throne away from the Wizard of Oz, it will be hard luck for me. I'll have to grind out a new royal anthem. (Cheers off stage R.) 1st Girl Pastoria approaches. (Crowd retire up stage. Enter TIMOTHY, followed by RISKITT, L.3.E.) Riskitt Halt! His Majesty would address the army. (Pastoria enters in motorman's coat and hat. He carries in one hand a large sceptre and a shawl strap. In the other a gilded hat box with crown inside.) Pastoria (C.) My faithful soldiers. As I gaze upon your faces it gives me great pleasure to know that you all may die for me. (Timothy cheers.) Men with faces like yours ought to die for somebody. - and I'm as good an excuse as you'll ever get. (Timothy cheers.) When you face the enemy, chanting your battle hymn, -- where's that battle hymn? Dash. All ready, sire. (Hands him paper.) Pastoria
This ought to make heroes of you all. (Chanting.) "When we were children we cried for Pastoria, When we were young we sighed for Pastoria, When we grew up we died for Pastoria. Oria, oria, peerless Pastoria." (Aside) When we were children we cried for Pastoria! Now, wouldn't that wilt the feathers on Maud's new boa! (To Soldiers.) You shall restore me to my rights. As for the cheap swindler who has stolen my throne - The Wizard of Oz, -Riskitt Where will you find a greater scoundrel, a more contemptible being, than that Wizard of Oz? Pastoria Hear! Hear! (A pause.) No, - no! I mean, where? (Crowd snickers, quietly.) As for your pay, have no fear. As we approach the capitol I will dispose of reserved seats for my coronation at speculator's rates. Riskitt S-sh --! A customer approaches. (Pastoria and Riskitt quickly produce box office diagrams and bunches of tickets from their pockets as SOPHRONIA and PETER enter R.1.E. they rush upon them in the manner of ticket speculators.)
Riskitt Tickets for Pastoria's coronation? (Use sign, "Tickets bought from speculators,etc".) Pastoria Two on the center aisle, four rows from the front. Simon He's a speculator. All Down with him. (All rush at Pastoria.) (Enter CYNTHIA, R.3. Come down through crowd, C.) Cynthia Wait. He may be my long-lost Niccolo. Pastoria I'm nobody but the King. For years I ruled the Land of Oz and was the best dressed little king that ever tied a four in hand. The people loved me then, and called me their Tony Pastoria. Cynthia I pray thee, play upon this piccolo. (Offering piccolo to Pastoria.) The wicked witch may have changed my sweetheart into you; How perfectly awful! (Shudders.) Pastoria I'm not your sweetheart. Cynthia Then prove it by playing "The Carnival of Venice" with variations. (Offers piccolo) There was a bum note in the crescendo
that Niccolo could never avoid. (Retires up stage.) Pastoria The idea! Open that box. (Points to hat box. Riskitt opens it.) What's the name in the crown of that crown? Riskitt (Looking in crown.) Pastoria II. (Hands it to Pastoria) Pastoria It was on my head when that confounded balloon carried me away. It fitted me then, and it fits me now. (Puts it on his head triumphantly. Movement of surprise in crowd.) Cynthia What's the meaning of that queer costume? Pastoria When the cyclone picked me up I was working as a motorman in Kansas. Cynthia What's a motorman? Pastoria Well, a motorman is a fellow that takes life easy. He's a regular lady killer, and a sort of business agent for the Undertakers' Union. When I reached the earth I had to do something for a living. Cynthia Your Majesty had to work? Terrible! Pastoria Yes. Your Majesty had to eat. I grew so desperate I decided to stop at nothing, so
I became a motorman. It's a merry life, and all day long the jingling of the bells. A fellow- motorman tried to get me to go with him to Michigan and motor there. Cynthia Why? Pastoria He said the girls were more sociable. He used to sing a beautiful song about one of them. Cynthia Was it soulful? Pastoria Well, you can judge for yourself. -- "IN MICHIGAN" -Pastoria and Chorus. I'm fond of the girls from Tennessee, For they are extremely coy, But there's another girl for me, she's the girl from Illinois. With the damsel fair from gay Delaware I'd giddily coquette. But the girl for me beyond compare, in old Michigan is met. Cho. In Michigan, In Michigan, I would that I were rich again. A ticket I'd buy, and away I'd fly To the far-off fields of Michigan. In Michigan, In Michigan, my tent I'd like to pitch again. I've a sweetheart true in Kalamazoo And that's what I've got in Michigan. II. The Georgia girl is a perfect peach, The Maine girl takes the bun Of the Oregon girl I love to preach For she second stands to none. Oh the Texas girl is a downright pearl,
And a dainty dream besides, But the girl that can give them all a twirl, In old Michigan resides. Cho. I've a sweetheart true in Kalamazoo, I've a mother-in-law in Saginaw, etc. (and exit Chorus R. and L.) Cynthia You are not like my Niccolo, and yet seem to be he. If I could see you make love to someone else -- my Niccolo would never do that in my presence. Tryxie (Outside L.2) Pasty! Pasty! Where are you, darling? Pastoria You'll have a chance, for here comes my fiancee. Cynthia A woman! Pastoria Yes. She was a waitress in the railroad station at Topeka. Her name is Tryxie. Cynthia Tryxie?
Pastoria Yes. We were blown out of Kansas at the same time. When the cyclone struck town I was standing on the front platform of my car and had just yelled, "Hold fast for a sharp curve". As we sailed over the roofs a beautiful girl suddenly shot out of a neighboring cloud and hit my dashboard. She was carrying a plate of beans. She said she was going my way and before the cyclone dropped us through yonder chestnut trees we were engaged. Tryxie (Entering, L.2. and going to Pastoria) Darling, I hope you won't think me gross, but I wish you would take me by the hand and lead me to a large porterhouse steak. Pastoria Girl, the stake that I am fighting for is not a porterhouse. I may be slain. Then what would lovey do if dovey died? Tryxie Why lovey would die too. Pastoria (With arm about her.) Do you remember, I met you as a motorman. Tryxie I was struck by you at our first meeting. Pastoria You were carrying a book. Tryxie Roosevelt's Memoirs. Pastoria I ran over them without asking you. Tryxie
Because you got the bell to go ahead. Pastoria Then I went ahead to get the belle. Tryxie You couldn't have offered me a palace then. Pastoria No. About all you could expect from a street car man is "a little room up front." Tryxie What were your prospects then? Pastoria Same as the conductors' - only fare. Tryxie And yet you loved me then. Pastoria I yearned for you. Tryxie And you love me now? Pastoria With all the heart a motorman is allowed to have. Tryxie Pasty, you are just too awful! Pastoria To resume -- how much does oo love oosey? Tryxie OO's OOsey? Pastoria OOS. Cynthia Enough. I am convinced. My Niccolo could never hand out such a tart line of
wedding march conversation. Tryxie Is this a lady detective? Pastoria No. This is a lady lunatic. Cynthia Yes; mad through with blighted love. Now will I to the vegetable garden where I last saw him. (Taking objects from basket on arm.) Here are young spring onions - they're for insomnia; here's celery for remembrance, - and here are March strawberries - for -a dollar a box! "Oh, he never more will come, And I wonder where he's went. Hey nonney, hey nonney hey!" (Exit a la Ophelia, L.I.) Tryxie Poor thing -how she loved him! Niccolo must have been very handsome. Pastoria Yes. I reminded her strongly of him. Tryxie But, she is a lunatic. That explains a lot of things. Pastoria Tryxie, you see what it is to lose a fond lover. Now suppose, suppose you were to lose me? Tryxie Pastoria, you know I never was lucky. Pastoria I know. But, what would you do? Tryxie
Why, someone else, I suppose. Pastoria But tell me, what do you think of the country you're to reign over as my queen? Tryxie Oh, well enough as far as I've gone. But it was a bad time to leave Kansas. Pastoria Why? Tryxie Barnum's circus was billed for our town for the 13th, and next to a Boston cream puff I love a circus. -- "WHEN THE CIRCUS COMES TO TOWN" -Tryxie and Pastoria and exit, L.I.E.) (Enter DOROTHY and IMOGEN (the cow) R.2.) Dorothy Well, where am I at? (Xing L. and looking around.) Surely, this isn't Kansas? (To Cow) Imogen, we are lost, and we'll never see home again. How poor Father will miss us. (Cow nods) You were the only thing to prove he ran a dairy. Now he won't be able to mix up any more milk until I get back with the key to the plaster of Paris barrel. I wish we could run into another cyclone going the way we came from. (Cow weeps)
What are you crying for? (Crying, herself.) Be brave, like me. Will somebody tell me the way back to Kansas. (Xing R. looking at house.) My! but our house is bent. Well, if the cyclone hasn't blown Carrie Barry's front door right on our porch. There's her name on the doorplate. Hello! what's this? (Takes folded paper from door. Reads it.) "To the Princess within." Here's a joke, Imogen. (Cow looks over her shouler.) Why it's a love song from a perfect stranger. (Resumes reading.) (Enter WITCH of the North, and SIR DASHEMOFF DAILY, L.2.) Dashemoff (Pointing to Dorothy.) There she is, your Highness. Witch Whence comes this maiden? Dash. I know not. I only know I love her. Dorothy (Slapping Cow's nose.) Go away, Imogen! Where are your manners! Keep your nose out of my correspondence hereafter. Witch Her name? (Chorus begins to enter, R. and L.) Dash. Caroline Barry. That's the name on the
doorplate of the cottage she arrived in. Dorothy (Still reading) How sweet. Dash. Do you refer to my poor poem? Dorothy (Surprised) Did you send me this, sir? Dash. I did. And may her Highness present me? Dorothy If her Highness pleases. Witch (Xing to Dorothy) Little girl, this is Sir Dashemoff Daily, our Poet Laureate, And I am Locusta, the Witch of the North. Dorothy (Recoiling) A witch? Witch Ah, don't be afraid - I'm not one of the black cat and broomstick kind. Dorothy Then tell me - am I far from Kansas? Witch Kansas? Where is Kansas? Dorothy Imogen, do you hear that? She'll ask us next where Topeka is.
Witch Listen, ye Munchkins; this pretty stranger is under my special protection. Dash. (To Dorothy) You are a lucky girl. Witch In proof of that I will bestow this magic ring upon her. (Putting ring on Dorothy's finger, who has Xed to her.) Whoever wears this ring may have two wishes gratified. Dorothy Then I wish Imogen and me back to Kansas? (Pause) What's the matter? Why don't we arrive? Witch I'm sorry, but my wishes have no power beyond the land in which they are granted. They can only aid you here. Dorothy But I want to go home. Tell me, what am I to do? Witch You must go to the wonderful Wizard of Oz. He alone has the power to transport you across the burning desert. As a member of the Witches' Union I have business elsewhere. When danger threatens, remember your ring. (Exits L.1.) Dash. Now Mistress Barry ---Dorothy
I'm not Mistress Barry. I'm Dorothy Gale. Dash. But, the name on the door? Dorothy Oh, that door belongs to the cottage of an old maid who lived just below our farm. Dash. But I've made my song to Mistress Barry, and if you are not she -(Turns away, disconsolate.) Dorothy Oh, the song's not wasted. I like it very much. I wish I knew it. How odd -- I DO know it. Why, it's a miracle. Dash. No, it's the ring. Your first wish has been granted. Dorothy We'll see. -- "CARRIE BARRY" -(Dorothy and Chorus, with Dashemoff. During song the Scarecrow is carried on by two farmers and set up at stile. At end of song Chorus exits R. and L.) I dare not call her Caroline, I think of her as Carrie, Her eyes like stars at twilight shine, And they have won this heart of mine. With glances none could parry. And when she smiles a smile divine, With cruelty I task her, The dainty maid knows I'm afraid To bravely up and ask her. Chorus Airy, fairy, Carrie Barry, will you marry me I'm as much in love with you as a many
can be. Night and day for you alway, I pine, and pine, and pine, Airy, fairy, Carrie Barry, say you will be mine. II. Though yet untold this love of mine, This love will never vary. I'm longing for some little sign One spoken word, one written line. That I may hope and tarry. For truth it is that I opine, she looks upon me coldly. That's why I fear when she is near To turn and tell her boldly: Chorus: Dorothy Is that what you think of Carrie Barry? Dash. That's what I think of Dorothy Gale. Dorothy I don't believe it. Dash. I'll tell you why you must. (Takes her hand as sound of hoofs is heard, off stage, rapidly approaching.) Dorothy It's a runaway. Dash. No, it's General Riskitt. (Bus. of Riskitt entering L.3. in manner of a flying messenger.) Riskitt Report to his Majesty at once. Dash. For what service?
Riskitt His Majesty is writing a temperance poem and he's stuck for a rhyme to Saraparilla. (Exits L.2.E.) Dash. (To Dorothy) That's what I get for hiring out as a Poet Laureate. Excuse me till I find the rhyme. (Exits L.2.) Dorothy Alone again. Well this is cheerful. Nothing in sight to talk to but this Scarecrow. (Xes L.) Well, as queer as he looks, I feel so lonely I wish he were alive. (COW enters and begins biting at Scarecrow's legs.) Scarecrow Help! Help! (Dorothy screams.) Good morning. (Dorothy Xes up R.) Is this your cow? Dorothy Yes-es. Scarecrow Well, if you don't want me to lose a leg, call him off. (Dorothy motions to Cow and Cow exits R.3.) Thanks, awfully, for bringing me to life. Isn't this lovely weather for July?
Dorothy The ring! Another wish wasted. Scarecrow Would you mind taking this golf ball out of my ear? (Dorothy goes to Scarecrow and looks for golf ball.) My ear is on the other side. (Dorothy removes golf ball and throws it down on stage.) That makes me one down. Dorothy You seem well posted. Scarecrow If I wasn't well posted I couldn't stand up. Dorothy I mean, you know what's in fashion. Scarecrow For a long time I've been just behind the stile. (Points to stile.) Dorothy Don't you think you're smart! Scarecrow I don't think at all. I haven't any brains. Dorothy No brains? Scarecrow (Tapping head) There is nothing there but a handful of excelsior covered with a dishrag. When the farmer was filling me with straw yesterday he said, "I guess I'll shake him". When I saw the size of his hand I knew it was on me. Then he jabbed this
pole into my back and said, "You're stuck". That put me up in the air, where I've been for the last twenty-four hours. Dorothy But you're alive now, and how are you going to earn your living without brains? Scarecrow I won't be lonely. Will you help me down? Dorothy Certainly. Scarecrow I'm getting a bad pain in my polar regions, from lack of exercise. Dorothy (Helps him down from post. Bus.) Can't you walk? Scarecrow No. But I'll take steps to learn. (Walks awkwardly.) Dorothy Oh, - but you're a loose character. What's you name? Scarecrow Haven't any. Dorothy No name? But, you've a family of some sort, haven't you? (COW enters.) Scarecrow Judging from what I'm stuffed with I am related to Secretary Hay. (Bus. with Cow.) How about yourself? Who are you? where did you drop from? Where are you
going, and why do you go there? Tell me all about it, while I see which way the wind blows. (Bus. with straws.) Dorothy My name is Dorothy, and I am one of the Kansas Gales. Scarecrow That accounts for your breezy manner. Dorothy When I am at home I live in Kansas. Just now I am lost, and I am going to the Emerald City to ask the wonderful Wizard of Oz to help me. Scarecrow What, to get back to Kansas? Dottie, why trifle with your luck? Dorothy Behave. You are old enough to know better. Scarecrow No, I'm not! I was just born, and it will be three hundred and sixty-four days before I have a birthday. (Cows begins to nibble at Scarecrow's legs.) Dorothy How long do you think you'll live? Scarecrow If I can escape that cow of yours, until I'm used to stuff a summer boarder's mattress. Do you think the Wizard would have a set of brains knocking around his place that would fit me? Dorothy He might. Scarecrow
If I thought he could fix me up I'd go with you. Dorothy Come along. Even if he is out of your size you'll be no worse off than you are now. (Both start to go L.) Scarecrow We're a nice looking couple. Suppose we're arrested for vagrancy? Dorothy You could give straw bail. Do you know, I can hardly believe that you have no brains? How careless the farmer was to leave them out. Scarecrow Wasn't he? I wouldn't treat a dog that way. - SCARECROW'S SONG Though I appear a handsome man, I'm only stuffed with straw. 'Tis difficult a man to plan without a single flaw. Though you may think my lovely head A store of law contains The farmer lack of skill displayed and quite forgot my brains. When brains are lacking in a head, it's usually the rule, That wisdom from the man has fled and he remains a fool. So, though my charms are very great, as I am well assured I'll never reach my full estate, 'till brains I have secured. CHORUS: A-las for the man who has little in his noodle that he knows He's under a man, and is called a rattle
pate, wherever he goes. He always does the very thing he never ought to do He stumbles and he fumbles and is aimless. A lobster, is he, as anyone with half an eye can see. You can beat him sneer or jeer for his wheels are out of gear And it's plain he'll remain quite brainless. (Exeunt.) -:- CHANGE TO SCENE III:- The road through the forest. DASHEMOFF enters R.I. SIR WILEY GYLE enters L.I. They enter backwards, and collide near C. Dash Are you one of us? Gyle No. Are you? Dash. Would you like to join a revolution? Gyle That's my specialty. I'm Sir Wiley Gyle, at your services. Revolutions to order. Kings dethroned while you wait. Dash. Then join our plot to put Pastoria II on the throne again. Gyle (Xing R.) What! has that fried oyster returned? Dash. (Indicating proclamation.) There's the Wizard's proclamation against
him. Gyle (Glancing at proclamation.) Help Pastoria? Not I. I'm next in line for that throne, my boy. Dash. But how are you going to overthrow the wizard? Gyle Ever since his balloon landed here the people have been in dread of his magic, and of him. He's made 'em think he has unearthly powers. But, I'll show 'em! (Xing L.) Dash. Going to expose him? Gyle Expose him, or blow him up. Dash. Blow him up - what with? Gyle (Showing a small bomb.) One of the bargain-sale bombs. - If I can ever get one to work. Dash. Anything the matter with that one? Gyle I'll bet it's no good. They had a bargain sale of infernal machines and bombs at one of our big stores last month; they'd bought out the stock of an anarchist factory. I got a hundred bombs for five ninety-eight, -- and not one of the darned things has worked yet.
Dash. Won't they take 'em back? Gyle No. They won't exchange bargains. (Xing R.) I'm sure this one is no good, too. (Suddenly throws bomb on stage L. It bounces off stage L.) Dash. (Frightened) Don't take a chance like that! Gyle Every time I throw one of those bombs at the wizard I get arrested for playing baseball in the streets. Cynthia (Enters, R.I. Xes to Gyle C.) I beg your pardon. Could you direct me to a small piece of toast? Gyle Toast? Cynthia Yes, toast. I am a sweet girl maniac, and to-day it is my fancy that I am a poached egg. If I could only find a piece of toast I'd rest myself on it. Dash. (Aside to Gyle.) I've heard a young man named Niccolo was the cause of this. Gyle Jilted her? Dash. No. He was turned into somebody else by a witch, and she can't find him.
Cynthia (Offering piccolo to Gyle.) Prithee, play upon this. Gyle Listen, girl. Would you know your Niccolo if you met him? Cynthia Ah, you're not he, are you? Gyle No. But I think I can lead you to him. Cynthia Quickly, then. Gyle If Niccolo in his new form fails to recognize you, would you still yearn for him? Cynthia Aye! more than ever. Gyle Listen! your lost lover is here. The witch has turned him into a wizard, - the wizard of Oz, - and he rules the Emerald City. Nobody knows it but me. The wizard don't know it. Go to him when no one is about, and grab and gag him. And when you have got him far away say to him that Sir Wiley put you on. (Xing L.) Don't forget -- Sir Wiley. (Exits L.2.) Cynthia Ye Gods! My Nick a wizard! If he should fail to recognize me, and turn me into a sponge cake - what would be my finish? I pray thee, come and plead the cause of crime. A lady lunatic.
(Exits.) Dash. (Looking after her.) Her reason lost because she lost her lover. Would I go mad if I should lose my Dorothy? Perhaps, because I already love her madly. I know that, for I know what love is. -- "THAT IS LOVE " -Dashemoff And exit L.I.E.) (Enter TIMOTHY, followed by RISKITT R.I.) Riskitt Halt! Your precious monarch will make a final speech before the campaign opens. Pastoria (Enters R.I. to Timothy) Before this awful war begins I want you to understand one thing. You are the soldiers of a free and glorious country; if you win victory you will be roasted. If you are defeated you will be roasted also. Timothy We understand. Pastoria Then you may take my final photograph for the illustrated papers. (Poses. Riskitt points camera at him. Lion is heard roaring off stage L.I. Everybody shows alarm.) Riskitt What is it? Pastoria It sounds like dinner time in a menagerie. (Roaring sounds closer)
(Riskitt and Timothy rush off R.I.) Come back! Come back! you cowards -come back! (Lions enters. Bus.) (Pastoria turns, sees him. Bus. frightened. Hides behind camera. Lion sees camera. Pauses.) Lie down, Bruno. Nice lion, good lion, sweet lion, dandelion, lie down. (Etc. ad lib. and Bus. Both.) (Lion sits up on haunches. Poses.) Very well then, sit up, if you prefer. (Bus.) Do you mean that you want your picture taken? (Lion nods.) Something nice for the family album? (Lion nods.) Well, you can have an appointment next Wednesday afternoon. (Starts away. Bus. lion angry.) Or, right away, if you prefer it. (Lion resumes pose.) Now look pleasant, please. (Lion shakes head.) How am I going to make that beast look pleasant? Shall I tell him to watch for the little birdie? No, I have it. (To Lion.) Look for the nice little fat boy. (Lion turns head quickly toward Pastoria.) No, no! Not here. Right out there. (Bus. Lion looking into audience.) That's it. Don't move.
(Lion slaps at mosquito on jaw.) Mosquitos, bothering you? Yes, there are more than usual this summer. 'Round the corner, in the next jungle there aren't any. (Bus. Lion displeased.) Now ready, again. Steady! (Bus.) That will be all, thank you. How do you like your photos done, - plenty of gloss, or domestic finish? (Lion nods.) All right. We'll do them both ways. You needn't call for the proof, I'll send them. (Bus. Lion waving paw. Knocks camera over, etc, Bus. ad lib and exit Lion R.I. Pastoria collapsed, and prostrate R.I. Riskitt enters, cautiously R. behind the leg of drop. Bus. as they discover and startle each other.) Riskitt Is your Majesty alone? Pastoria Where is my army? Riskitt He's in the top of the tallest tree, and he won't come down. Pastoria Have they deserted my banner so soon? Riskitt Yes. Here's a notice just sent from police headquarters in the Emerald City. (Hands notice to Pastoria.) Pastoria (Reading) "To our beloved police: Wanted, for treason, a small creature with slate pencil
legs, an eye like a halibut, and a face like a cold flaxseed poultice, calling itself Pastoria II." After that description how can I escape? Riskitt We'll both need disguises. Pastoria And the sooner we get them the better. See to it at once. (Exit Riskitt.) Tryxie (Enter L.I.) I am so hungry I could eat a fifty cent table d'hote and think it was food. Pastoria Alas! that I should have chosen for a Queen one whose appetite is so stenuous. Tryxie Pasty, when you invited me to become your Queen did you think I lived on air? Pastoria I saw only your face - your lovely face. Tryxie Yes; but even the loveliest face has to be fed. Pastoria Another fond delusion shattered. Now I know that woman is but a hollow mockery. Come, let us on to my kingdom. (Exit Pastoria and Tryxie, L.I.) (Dorothy and Scarecrow enter R.I.) Dorothy Come along, I'll help you get a position. Now, what field have you been in? Scarecrow
All of them. I began in the pasture lot, and was moved up to the potato patch. Dorothy Do you know beans? Scarecrow I should say I do. A bean vine grew up my right leg once. (Dorothy sits on ground and begins to eat cakes from basket.) What are you doing? Dorothy Eating. Scarecrow What do you do that for? Dorothy Because I'm hungry. Don't you ever eat? Scarecrow No. I'm stuffed full now. Pretty soon you'll be stuffed full and you won't be able to eat either. Dorothy I eat three or four times a day. Scarecrow Is it necessary? Dorothy Of course. Scarecrow How I pity you. You people of flesh must waste a lot of time trying to keep alive. Dorothy Haven't you any taste? Scarecrow I admire you. Dorothy
You're a strange creature. That farmer might have taken more pains in your manufacture in more ways than one. Scarecrow Yes. Think of his starting me in life with so few advantages. (A groan heard back of drop.) Dorothy What's that? Scarecrow It sounds like a carette horse passing a stable at dinner time. Dorothy It comes from behind these bushes. Dare you look and see what it is? Scarecrow I fear nothing, but a lighted match, or a cigarette smoker. If ever I bump up against either of those two -- peace to my ashes. (Pushes bushes aside.) I've got it. (Brings Tin-man out.) (Tin-man stands, rigid, with fife in position for playing.) Dorothy Is that a man, or a hardware store? Scarecrow He's been married tin years and this is his tin wedding. Dorothy Did you play, sir? Tin-man Did I play? I've been practicing that lovely tune for over a year.
Dorothy Why do you stand so still? Tin-man I'm rusted. Dorothy Where? Tin-man In my joints. Dorothy Must you stay there forever? Tin-man Not if you will help me. Get the oil can from behind that stump and oil me up a bit and then I'll be oil right. Scarecrow I'll rush the can. (Gets oil can from behind out drop and begins to oil Tin-man's joints. Bus. ad lib.) Tin-man What a blessed relief. Accept my thanks. Nick Chopper is at last himself again. Dorothy I'm so glad we heard you. What a dangerous position you were in. Tin-man Wasn't I? If a hold-up man had come along with a can opener he might have gone through me with ease. (To Scarecrow) Here, oil my neck a little more. It doesn't turn smoothly. Scarecrow (Oiling Nick's neck.) Some of these tough joints ought to be
pulled. Tin-man (To Dorothy) Your friend seems to be one of the light fingered gentry. I hope he's not as bad as he's painted. Dorothy What a horrid thing for you to say, after his helping you out of your trouble. Tin-man I beg your pardon, Miss; it's a long time since I've been in polite society and I'm still a bit rusty. (To Scarecrow) Much obliged for the grease. Ah, I was not always made of tin. Once I was made of flesh and blood, as you two are. Scarecrow (Taking handful of straw from breast.) Cut me out, please. Dorothy How did it happen.
Tin-man A pretty Munchkin girl loved me devotedly. Often she came and held the trees while I chopped them down, and then gently lowered them to the ground. But the wicked witch had forbidden any love-making in her domains, and one day Cynthia and I were caught holding hands. She enchanted my axe so that it slipped and cut off my leg. I went to the tinsmith and had a new one made. Then, one by one, I lost my arms, head, and body, but the tinsmith replaced each missing member. I kept on chopping wood, though, and said nothing. I was happy, notwithstanding, until I discovered that I no longer loved Cynthia. Dorothy No longer loved her? Why? Tin-man The tinsmith had forgotten to give me a heart. Scarecrow That probably came extra. Dorothy Come along with us to Oz, perhaps you can get a heart. Tin-man Who is Oz - a butcher? Dorothy No, no! It's city, where a wonderful wizard rules. Tin-man (Sings, dancing to time.) "Oh, Cynthia, Cynthia, I've been thinking What an awful thing it was To be without a heart, but now I'll get it from the Wizard of Oz."
(Break and bus. Scarecrow.) -- "WHEN YOU LOVE, LOVE, LOVE." -Trio -- Tin-man, Dorothy, and Scarecrow, and exit.) Oh! Love's the thing, that poets sing Their sweetest lays regarding. And none say nay, to love's gay sway Which wounds when not rewarding. Naught can allure the heart so sure As one swift dart from Cupid And none, I know would dodge his blow, Unless exceeding stupid. For love's the thing, that poet's sing Their sweetest lays regarding, And all are gay, neath Cupid's sway All worldly cares discarding. Chorus When you love, love, love in mad delirium, When you love, love, love is quite sincere you come. there is nothing so divine there is nothing half so fine, As the gladness of your madness when you love, love, love. II. I've heard it said that Love is fed On gifts of costly treasure, But it's so nice, I'm sure the price, No lover cares to measure. All other things are quite forgot When once your heart is captured You guess if you're alive or not So madly you're enraptured. But though of love you gaily sing 'Twill turn your heart quite stony, To end the whirl and find the girl Is seeking "Alimony." - CHANGE TO -SCENE IV-
SCENE:- The Poppy Field. The scene shows an extensive field of poppies, 30 or 40 young ladies dressed in costumes representing the poppy flower. They are so arranged that they practically fill the entire stage. Stage in total darkness at the beginning of this scene. Light effect is thrown upon the gauze drop. Gradually the lights are raised on the stage beginning red and gradually working up to a pale white light. All the girls stand with their heads bent forward so as to hide faces, their poppy heads alone showing. As they sing they sway their bodies and pantomine with their heads. (Chorus of Poppy flowers.) POPPY CHORUS. Should a wandering mortal lucklessly appear in our field Needlessly our sweet perfume inhaling Each sense with joy regaling Who can blame us if all our soporific powers are revealed. While unto our sway he gives way And must helplessly yield. For Death, like a breath comes to all soon or late And mortals are the sport of a mischevious fate. So welcome the peace that we bring to mankind. It is happiness to dream on, with care left behind. We are poppies in fairest splendour, blooming fragrant alway. Through the mosses and the grasses looming Fascinations rare assuming We delight when alone, to pass the moments are play Every petal graciously nods Our many charms to display. (After Chorus, DASHEMOFF enters,
hurriedly R.I.) Dash. Oh, Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy Here I am. I'm so glad to meet you again. I've lost my way. Dash. These poppy fields are pathless. Dorothy The Tin-man punctured himself with a rusty nail, and I had to send for a plumber to solder up his wound. Dash. The Tin-man? Dorothy A new friend of mine. Dash. I found a rhyme for "Sarsaparilla", but now I can't find the king. (Enter PASTORIA, TRYXIE, COW and LION at back. Pastoria is dressed as a lion tamer, Tryxie as a bareback rider. Pastoria leads the Lion, Tryxie leads the Cow.) Pastoria (Coming down.) S-sh! the Wizard's police are after us and we are disguised as a one ring circus. Dash. (To Dorothy) This is Pastoria II, the rightful king of Oz. Tryxie I am Signiorina Bouncerino, premiere equestrienne. Pastoria
And I am Signor Gonzabo, premier lion tamer. (Striking pose with Lion.) Sit up, Bruno, Kiss your paw. (Bus. lion.) No, no! Kiss your paw to the ladies. (Bus. lion.) But come, we must not tarry here. On to the Emerald City. (Xes R. Poppies shake their heads. All characters yawn.) Dorothy (To Dash.) Are you sleepy? Dash. Very. It's the perfume of these flowers. Dorothy (Yawning) Yes; they make opium of them, I've read. (Poppies shake their heads.) Pastoria I feel like forty winks and a couple of naps. (Cow lies down.) Tryxie (Yawning) Not a bad idea. I think I'll use you as a sofa pillow. You're not much as a mattress, but you'd make an awful hit with me, served rare, with mashed potatoes. (Lies down L. with head on Cow's side.) Pastoria (Sleepily.) Bruno, kindly give me an imitation of a
folding bed. (Lion lies down.) Will somebody bring me my shaving water and a poached egg some time next week? (Lies with head on Lion. Falls asleep. Poppies shake their heads.) Dorothy (Drowsily) What does this mean? My head reels. My eyes must close. The perfume stifles me. There's danger in this sleep I'm sure. (Falls asleep.) (Dashemoff retires up stage.) (Scarecrow and Tin-man enter from platform at back.) Tin-man Where are you, Hay? Scarecrow (Coming down.) Did the plumber fix you up all right? Tin-man Oh, yes. I'm now a soldered, but wiser man. Scarecrow Hello! I'm wounded too. (Shows tear in leg.) Got a few pins? Tin-man What for? Scarecrow (Pointing to tear) I want to collect my rent. (Poppies shake heads.)
(All on stage yawn.) Tin-man (Looking around.) Asleep - all of them. Scarecrow Let's wake them up. Tin-man You can't. Before I turned to tin I didn't dare to cross these fields. (Poppies shake.) Their perfume brings an endless sleep. Scarecrow I don't feel sleepy. Tin-man Of course not. It's the brains that go to sleep, and you haven't got any. Scarecrow But we can't leave little Dottie here. Tin-man How can we wake her. Scarecrow I don't know, but we must. Tin-man Suppose we shake her? Scarecrow No; it isn't polite to shake a lady. (All characters asleep snore.) Tin-man What will we do? Scarecrow I think she has a ring that will bring one of our leading witches to her aid. Tin-man
(Taking her hand.) Here it is. Scarecrow But we don't know how it works. Tin-man Who can tell us? Dorothy (In sleep.) Oh, Locusta! (WITCH of the North enters L.3. coming to Dorothy.) Witch Who calls me! (Sees Dorothy) The child to whom I promised my friendship. She and her companions in the deadly grasp of these treacherous blossoms. Heartless and poisonous flowers, dare you defy the power of the Witch of the North (Poppies raise their heads.) Defy me, who rules the North Wind and holds the Frost King as a willing subject? for this you shall die. For this shall I cloud the sunshine, which is your breath, and chill the warmth which gives you life. (Poppies raise heads.) Hail, winds of the frozen North! Come to my aid! Embrace these false blossoms, and wither them with your cold caresses! King of the Fronst, you do I invoke in this, my hour of vengeance. Hurl your glittering atoms upon these cruel flowers -(Poppies kneel.) Congeal their sap of life, and set upon them the icy seal of your freezing kiss,
which kills as surely as does their own treacherous breath. Thus shall my enemies perish! Thus shall I restore to life these mortals who now sleep, and rescue the maiden I have sworn to protect! (Poppies shrink away, droop and fall to the ground, as the snow descends and the scene change to Scene 5: Winter Scene. [HANDWRITTEN: The dimmer effect (elective) is worked on gauge, hung behind proscenium. Lights are lowered and when out scene changes to Poppy Field in Winter.] Several snow boys and girls discovered at the back of platform. Snow Queen on high platform C. holding her hands out towards the audience. Snow falls from her hands. Characters are posed R. and L. with Dorothy in C. of stage. When lights have worked up to a light blue she slowly rises, turns and sees the Snow Queen and drops on her knee. -:- Curtain -:-:- "THE WIZARD OF OZ" -:- -:ACT II -:SCENE:- House and Stage all dark. THE PHANTOM MARCH. Change to Throne Scene. CHORUS discovered, THE WIZARD OF OZ enters C. Bardo All hail to the wonderful Wizard of Oz. (All salaam.) Wizard (to Crowd) Friends, an attempt has been made to assassinate your King. As I was about to enter the Emerald City a pistol shot was fired and struck me in the chest. After this I must have a protector.
(To Bardo) Have we a good chest protector? Sir Wiley Gyle (Pointing to Guard L.) Here's a good man. Wizard (To Guard) This way, if you please. (Guard approaches) What is your business? Guard To watch. Wizard Antyhing else? Guard To guard. Wizard Then you are a watch-guard? Guard I am. Wizard You are? Good. How much? Guard How much what, sire? Wizard To protect. Guard Three dollars a week. Wizard I can get a man with whiskers for four. Guard But think, sire, I would protect you against an army. Aye, a thousand. Aye,
ten thousand! If they came upon us I would run my sword through them, one by one. (Suiting action to word) Wizard Good boy! And if it came to a show-down I'd help you run. (Goes to throne - to crowd) Friends, I'll begin my performance with the magic egg and handkerchief trick. Gyle (Aside to others) Watch! Wizard (Bus) I have here a tame egg and a fresh laid handkerchief. Now what I propose to do is to place the egg within the handkerchief and have it disappear, and re-appear in the mouth of some innocent spectator. Gyle Bah! Wizard I wish it to be understood that I have no confederate. And as I have no confederate will some gentleman please step forward and kindly assist me? ----Anyone at all ----no matter who. (Bus) Thank you, I'll take this gentleman. (Bus) Watch me closely now, for you'll find that my hands are quicker than your eyes. I place the egg within the handkerchief ---so! (Bus)
and with a few magic passes --- is gone. Presto! Change! (Bus) Gyle It's a fake -- fake -- fake. He's a faker! Wizard Now for the marvels of marvels - my famous magic basket. (Bus) I have here a basket which contains nothing but gleamerin' blades which go round and round. To satisfy yourselves you can all step up and examine the inside of the basket. (Bus) Now, I'm pleased to know that you're all satisfied that the basket contains nothing but gleamerin' knives, and as I have no confederate will some gentleman kindly step forward and assist me? Anyone at all. You can select whoever you like. (Bus) Thank you, I'll take this gentleman. (Bus) Now he's in the basket. We immediately turn the basket over. (Bus) Then we secure the dangerous burning acid. Fire in the liquid. (Bus) The burning acid I pour all over the basket. (Bus) Don't be alarmed. I'm here. Then we secure the sword,-(Bus) The poison tipped sword, piercing the
basket through and through (Bus) Opening the basket, he's gone. (Bus) Closing the basket, and back to its original place and opening up the basket, and out he jumps, as lively and hearty as ever. (Bus) Gyle That's nothing. I can do it. I can do it. Wizard You can? Gyle Yes, me or any other fraud. Wizard I have to laugh in my sleeve. (Ha ha's in his sleeve) (To crowd) Laugh at him. (They laugh "HA".) Again! (They laugh again "Ha.") You see, they give you the ha-ha. Gyle (To Crowd) Can't you see that he's no wizard? Just a plain human humbug! If I prove that, and save the country from a tyrant will you make me king? Guard Prove it. Gyle If he's a Wizard let him defy this bomb.
(Throws bomb at Oz's feet. It bounces off stage - he throws a second with the same result) Wizard (Smilingly) I'm a regular bomb charmer. Merely by a glance of the eye I hypnotize the dynamite. Bardo (Seizing Gyle) What shall we do with him? Wizard Throw him out of the palace. He's not worth taking seriously. Gyle (Waving third bomb) Some day one of these will work. Wizard That's more than you'll do. (Two guards remove Gyle C.) Now, Bardo, the royal entertainment being over you may pass the royal hat. (Crowd starts) Here, come back. Don't run away. (Bus. Bardo passing hat. Crowd does not respond with contributions. Bardo returns) What's the matter, Bardo? Bardo They're very sorry, but they won't have anything to spare till pay-day. "PAY-DAY" SONG. (Oz and full chorus) (Chorus exits on the refrain. Bardo exits)
(Oz Xes R. and sits on throne chair) Cynthia (Enters C.) Ah, there sits my Niccolo, brooding over his love for me. Beneath that awful mask beats the heart of my own true lover. (Coming down C.) Good morrow, most noble king! Wizard Good morning, Carrie. Cynthia Will you come rowing me with in my garden? Wizard Rown' in the garden? I'll have to disappoint you; I'm just going out for a walk on the lake. Cynthia 'Tis a deep sea garden the soft shell crabs are all in bloom, and as we row we'll dredge for oyster plants. And we'll build us a beautiful house of tinted pearls and butterflies to wait on us - and June bugs--Wizard She's bug house. Cynthia Come with me to the bottom of the sea and be my king-fish. Wizard No, I'd sooner stay here and stick to my perch. Cynthia Ah, sneer if you will; you cannot turn me from my purpose. Think, my darling think---
(Bus) Wizard I think I'll think up here. (Jumping up on chair) Cynthia My head is full of thoughts; they go round and round--Wizard Those are not thoughts - they are roller skates. (Aloud) The lady has hallucinations. Cynthia My brain is on fire. Wizard Yes, and I'm getting a little hot-headed myself. (Comes down from throne) Cynthia (Lovingly) Oh, Niccolo! Bewitched and transformed as you are, you must recognize your old sweetheart. Don't you remember we used to wander together. Wizard And now you're wandering alone. Dinny open the gate - open the gate. Bynthia But I have found you. Come, fly with me. Wizard I will as soon as my wings come back from the laundry. Cynthia Niccolo - Niccolo. Don't you remember your old sweetheart? Your little Cinnie,
whom you swore to love forever? Think Think! You were younger then and your hair was parted in the middle. And Nick, ---you had another face. Wizard That's a hard one - that's a hard one. I beg pardon, but from childhood up this face grew on me. Now, see here, my good lady, we had better come to an understanding. Your ideas are all right in a way, but even at that you're wrong. You think you're speaking to the party that you are, but you're not - you're talking to me. Cynthia Do you spurn the heart I lay at your feet? Alas, alas! I am undone. (Bus) Wizard You're all right behind. Cynthia Monster! If I cannot have my Nick I'll have revenge! (Fires pistol at Oz) (Bell rings off stage) (Oz takes large bullet from mouth, throws it on floor and exits R.) (Bus. for Cynthia) He's made of asbestos. Would that all lovers were fireproof. CYNTHIA (Exit) (Captain at Guard enters C. with Dorothy, Tin Woodman and Scarecrow) Scarecrow Is this where the Wizard does his principal wizzing? Captain Can't you see it's his palace? Haven't you
got any brains? Scarecrow That's just what I came here to get. Dorothy (To Captain) He'd like a few brains and I'd like a pass to Kansas. Capt. (To Tin-man) And what do YOU want of the Wizard? Tin-man I'll take a heart. Capt. I'll announce you wants. But, be warned. Don't make light of aught in his presence. Scarecrow If I made light of anything they'd cancel my fire insurance. Dor. (To Capt) We've come a long way to get the Wizard to help us. Do you think he can? Captain I cannot tell. He alone knows. Scarecrow Don't worry, Dottie. If you have to stay here we'll take care of you. (To Tin-man) You're in on that, Pie-plates? Tin-man That's right, Dottie. With all my heart when I get it. (Flourish of trumpets heard off) Capt.
His Majesty approaches! (Flourish of trumpets and enter Oz, R followed by Bardo) Tin-man Here comes the Wizard! Wizard (Seeing Dottie) What! Strangers here! Scarecrow Yes; little Dottie. Wizard You all look a little Dottie. Dorothy Oh no, I'm Dorothy Gale. Are you the great Magician? Wizard Am I? Watch! (Bus. Thunder each time he makes a pass with his hands.) All done by the passes of the hand. Dor. Then you can send me back to Kansas with a pass. Wizard I am not a Congressman. Scarecrow (Coming C.) Brains, please. Wizard How will you have your brains, plain or sizzled? (Bus. for Scarecrow) Dorothy (To Scarecrow)
Have them scrambled, by all means. Tin-man Yes, have them strangled. Wizard How would you like a Russell Sage thinker with just a Dash of Hetty Green. Scarecrow You're the doctor. Wizard Bardo - my book, please. (Bus. and Oz reads from book) "One pound of Angustora Phosphorus plant-tissue lyonised with tincture of fundamental and double distilled extract of Graphohoneical essence." Now, as far as I've got, how does that suit you? Tin-man When you get it tuned up, play something. Wizard Tuned up? Tin-man Say, Wiz, never mind that blended brain; just mix him up a little of that straight Mark Hanna brand. Wizard Correct. How would you like to have a Mark Hanna brain? (Bus. for Scarecrow) Tin-man That's it - take it. Scarecrow I'll take it. Wizard That's it. Take the best, it's the cheapest.
The other would make you daffy. Brains, the real genuine Mark Hanna grey matter. Now, for the oraments. Would you like to have a dash of orange bitters? Bus Tin-man Take all you can get. Scarecrow Take all I can get? Wizard That's right. This way, please. (Scarecrow goes towards him, warbling) Oho! So you're a warbler, eh? Scarecrow I'm so happy. Wizard Well, you'll be happier by the time I'm through with you. Now do you know where you want your brains? (Bus) On the roof. Correct. Over here, please. (Bus) We start in by making a small incision. --Tin-man Say, Wiz, that's no watermelon. Wizard Certainly not. No watermelon. (Bus) Ah, I see he's troubled with a little hay fever -- and an over-abundance, too, at that. I'll remove--(Bus) Now, we'll see further. (Bus)
Well, what have we here? In all my experiences in trephining I never saw anything to equal the likes of this. (Bus) And the further you go the better they get - a regular squirrel's nest. (Taking peanuts from Scarecrow's head and handing them to Tin-man and others) Search that. I don't think there's a blank among any of them. The real genuine article. (Bus) This feller is nutty. (Bus. to Scarecrow) The first thing you know you'll have rubber brains. Keep quiet if you can't keep still. (Bus) We'll start in--(With knife) at the frontal bone, passing along the seam of imagination, crossing over to the pocket containing paroties of thought--(To Bardo) The Gridoler---(Bus) Now---(Bus) Well, brains--(Bus) Steady - steady! (Bus. Scarecrow) Man dear, yer losin' yer senses. Couldn't you see? (Bus) The mucilage!
(Bus) A few layers of the phrenological salve, and you're all right. (Bus) There you are. Your Mark Hanna roof is well shingled. Scarecrow (Rising, coming down feeling his head) Oh, oh, how I love the poor workingman! Wizard How do you feel now? Scarecrow Like making speeches to the intelligent voter. I'll write one. (Retires up, produces pad and pencil and writes) Tin-man (Going to Oz) (Bus) One heart haben. Wizard What size heart do you wear? Tin-man Six-seven eights. Dorothy Wouldn't you like to be considered a big-hearted man? Tin-man I couldn't afford it Dottie. I've got lots of tin, but I hate to part with it. Wizard Would you like to have your heart hot or cold? Tin-man Warm.
Wizard Warm? Tin-man Luke? Wizard Here's one, left by a young lady named Sapho. Tin-man Then it's second handed. Very expensive? Wizard Well, it used to be a dear heart, but this being bargain day I'll give it to you cheap. A dollar thirty-eight. Tin-man (Taking heart) There's a flaw in it. I'll give you sixtyeight. Wizard It's yours. Tin-man That's a bargain. Wizard Will you have it wrapped or sent? Tin-man I'll take it wth me. Wizard Where will you have it? Tin-man (Pointing to head) Don't put it in there. Wizard Certainly not.
Tin-man Sink it in those. (Putting hand on breast) Wizard What do you want, a sink, or a ---Bardo, my surgical instruments. (Bardo throws tools at foot of throne) Tin-man Say, what are you? A plumber? Wizard No. I think I'm a tinsmith. (Bus) Tin-man I think you're a----wait a minute. (Bus) Wizard What's the matter? Nervous? Tin-man Just a little excited, that's all. Wizard I'll stop that. (Bus. with mallet) Tin-man Wait a minute. There's no hurry about this. Wizard Oh, yes there is, there's others waiting. Tin-man Well, let them wait. I guess I'll call in to-morrow. Wizard Now, don't be heartless. Have a heart. (Bus)
What's the matter with you? Tin-man Oh, Wizzie, ---nice little Wizzie -- will you do me a favor? Wizard Certainly I will - what's the matter? What are you shaking about? Tin-man Just a little case of nervous prosperity. (Bus. of Oz putting heart into Tin-man) Wizard I'll fix that. (Bus) Tin-man That didn't hurt. Shine! Wizard I'm going to put a little absinthe on your heart. (Bus. of putting absinthe on heart and putting it into Tin-man) There, your heart will beat in two minutes! Tin-man It's working already. (Bus. and going L.) Wizard (To Dorothy) Don't be alarmed. I suppose you want a pair of feet. Dorothy No, I want a pass to Kansas. Wizard I'm afraid my Kansas passes are all cancelled.
Dorothy Must I stay forever in this awful country? Wizard How can you call anything awful after Topeka? Dorothy I'm so mad, I could cry. (Goes C. and cries) Tin-man (Going to her) Don't cry, Dottie. Look at what he did for me. (Showing heart - drops it) Don't step on it. (Bus. and exit Dottie R.L) Oh! Broke my brand new heart! (Exits R.L.) Scarecrow (Coming down) How's this for stampeding a Convention? "The time has come to cripple the money octopus. We'll pull his leg. No, we'll clip his wings, and you'll all be happy when you vote for me." (Exits R.) (Enter Chorus) Wizard (Proudly) There go the most successful miracles I ever performed, and I'm going to give a ball to-night in honor of my triumph. The last one I attended was in Topeka. THE DANCE OF ALL NATIONS: WIZARD - SCARECROW - Tin-man DOROTHY - AND CHORUS.
(Exeunt) (Bardo enters, followed by Pastoria, Tryxie, Cow and Lion. Bus) Bardo Where is your license for this company? Tryxie We had a dramatic license, but we lost it. We're only a moral one ring circus. Bardo Is there all there is of you? Tryxie We had a stage-struck pig when we started. Bardo What happened to the stagestruck pig? Tryxie He was cured in the last town. Pastoria And we had a happy family, too, -- that lion and a lamb. Bardo Lost the lamb. Pastoria No. The lamb is still with us, - but beneath the surface. (Lion pats his stomach appreciatively) Bardo I'll report your arrest to his wizziness. (Exits) Tryxie (To Pastoria) And if His Wizziness recognizes you, it's into the cart with Du Barry! Pastoria
Ugh! Stop putting ice down my back. Tryxie Where is your army? Where is your revolution? Pastoria Be patient, my Empress of Biscuit Shooters. Feast your eyes upon that throne whereon you and I will sit together as soon as we get a chance to prove Oz a humbug. Tryxie But is Oz a humbug? Pastoria Is he? Well, I should say he issie, Ozzie, izzie. On the earth you came from his feats of magic were chestnuts at all the church fairs fifty years ago. (Scarecrow and Tin-man enter R.3) Tin-man Say, Hay, is this the place? Scarecrow That's where we're at. (To Pastoria and Tryxie) Why so sad, comrades? Tryxie Why do our faces look pinched? Tin-man Yes. Who did it? Pastoria The myrmidons of the usurper. Even the show business isn't safe in this pea-green town. Scarecrow What show business? Pastoria
Signor Gonzabo's only original one ring circus. Tin-man Where is it? Pastoria and Tryxie WE are it! Ta, ta. (They strike pose, Lion and Cow also. Chord. Bus of Cow nibbling at Scarecrow) Scarecrow (Bus) Have the animals been fed lately? Pastoria Why? Scarecrow (Pointing to Cow) Because if that beast remains hungry I'm liable to join the menagerie against my will. (Bus. feeling cow's side) Oh, yes, she's been fed. Tryxie Why, she's perfectly amiable. (Xing to Cow - bus) Come here, and I'll introduce you. Scarecrow Thanks, we've met before. Cynthia (Enters L.1 carry an axe) Hold! Stand all apart. (All spread arms and legs) (She points to Pastoria) I would speak with yonder wicked giant. It is my pleasure to think I am Jack-the-
Giant-Killer. Come with me to yonder bean stalk, 'Tis but a mile high and when thou hast reached the top I will cut it down. I fain would see thee tumble. (Bus for Lion at throne) Pastoria Excuse me, I'm not good at tumbling. Cynthia Now that I look upon thee again I can believe that. Tryxie Will the Lady Lunatic kindly cut it short? Cynthia What are thou? Tryxie Oh, back to the padded cell with you. Cynthia (To Pastoria) Have you brought home a new cook? I prithee wash the potatoes. Tryxie (Starting towards Pastoria) Now, Pasty--(Cynthia seizes Tryxie by arm, pulls her L. then pushes Pastoria who falls R. near throne. Tryxie exits L.1.) Cynthia (Starting towards Pastoria) Abide thee there awhile (Turns, sees Scarecrow) Thou cream-faced loon! (Bus) Where getst thou that goose look? (Swings axe in front of Scarecrow's face)
(Scarecrow falls) (Cynthia exits L.1.) (Bus for Lion) (Flourish of trumpets and enter Bardo R.1. Crowd enters L.) Bardo His Majesty commands your presence at once. Pastoria (Alarmed) What for? Bardo You're not to ask questions, but obey orders. Pastoria If I don't know, I don't go. Bardo Your circus will give a special performance by royal command. Pastoria (Aside) Ah, I breathe again. (Bus) (Pastoria, Bardo, Cow and Tim-man Lion and Scarecrow exit) (Tryxie enters L.1) 1st Girl (To Tryxie) Don't you belong to the circus? Tryxie No, indeed. Oh, yes, of course I do. 1st Girl Do you have to act? Tryxie
Oh, no, of course not. I don't have to act, but I love art. 2nd Girl What is your speciality? Tryxie I'm a bare-faced equestrienne, and I sing serio comics. 1st Girl Whare are serio comics? Tryxie Haven't you ever heard one? 1st Girl Never. Tryxie Some people are born lucky. Here's where your luck ends. SAMMY SONG (Tryxie and Chorus) (Tryxie exits after song) (Chorus sing refrain and exit) (Confederate enters C. Bus. Pastoria and Tryxie enter C. Pastoria throws a large green cloth over Confederate's head bus) Pastoria Quick, quick, my queen! The knock-out drops! (Tryxie places bottle to Confederate's nose, Bus. Pastoria counting) 1---- 2---- 6---- 8----- 10 ----out. The rest is easy. Disguised in this fellow's clothes, I shall take his place. When the time comes Oz will put me in the trunk, then he will close the lid, turn the thing over and open it, and when he tells the people to look again they will see this trunk empty. Then I will rise at the back and denounce him as a fraud.
Tryxie And they'll make you King again. Pastoria (Tenderly) Then I shall lead you to a palace. Tryxie I'd rather be led to a restaurant. Pastoria Queens don't talk that way. Tryxie But I'm not a Queen. Listen, Pasty, I dreamed last night that I was in Heaven, eating ice cream and sauer kraut. Pastoria Go back to bed. But first help me carry this man where I can secure his clothes. (Lifts Confederate on his shoulder) Tryxie Is he heavy? He must have had his dinner. I could help you lift him if I had had mine. (They exit L.2) (Sir Wiley enters with Guard and several girls)
Gyle The coast is clear. Come in - come in. Don't be afraid. I'm not. Come in, and look at his wonderful tricks. you haven't changed your minds? You'll let me prove to you that your ruler is no wizard? Then watch me. Here's his wonderful egg trick. See, a pocket in the handkerchief. And see the magic basket. Place this inside, turn it over so, --- and behold, the false bottom. Stupid, people, he has made a fool of you all for years. Rebel! Drive him from Oz. ----and make Sir Wiley your savior - king! Guard It shall be done. Others Down with the Wizard! Down with the Wizard! (Exit Crowd) (Gyle starts up stage, stops, looks around) Gyle Yes, I'll do it. His confederate has lived long enough. (Begins to nail up bottom of basket.) One good turn deserved another. I will nail it up. And tries to open it he will have a picnic. A basket picnic. The Wizard will wiz for the last time to-day. (Bus. Exit) SPECIALTY. (Scarecrow and Tin-man) (Pastoria and Trixie enter after Scarecrow and Tin-man exit. Pastoria disguised as the confederate, and wears long cloak) Pastoria
(Cautiously) H'st - would you know your king? Tryxie No, I'm too hungry to see straight. (Enter entire court, Sir Wiley Gyle and Oz. Oz goes to throne) Wizard Welcome, my faithful subjects, to our second daily exhibition. Gyle This is the last he'll ever give. Wizard We will proceed as usual with our marvelous magic basket. Gyle Now then Citizens, watch him. I will prove how you have been tricked for years by this imposter. Watch! Watch him! Watch him! (Ad lib scene) Wizard You all know that the basket contains nothing but glimmering knives --if there's any doubt step forward and examine the basket. (Bus) You all know that I have no confederate. Now will some gentleman kindly step forward and assist me. Anyone at all. Anyone at all. I don't give a---- I don't care who it is. (Bus) Dinny! (Bus with Pastoria. Shoving him down towards basket. Bus of Guard offering to assist. Ignore him) Thank you - a little bit slow. I'll have to
take this man. What's the matter Dinny, have ye been indulgin'? (Forcing Pastoria into basket) in the basket. Now he's in the basket... We immediately turn the basket over. (Bus) Gyle (Chuckling) He, he! Wizard We take our time in turning the basket over. (Bus. Turns it over with assistance) (Laughs) Now we secure the dangerous burnin' acid. (bus. Sees basket is nailed) Gyle Go on! Go on! Wizard (Aside) Somethin' doin'. Gyle Go on. Wizard Just a minute. I think one of the glimmering knives is broke. Gyle Watch the faker. Wizard (At basket) (To Pastoria inside) Dinny, you're late. Gyle
Go on, don't stop. Wizard As before Dinny, we're up against it. Gyle Go on, we're just dying to see you do the trick again. Wizard Yes, and Dinny will be dead if I DO do it again. Gyle Watch him, it's WONDERFUL. Go on, pour it, pour it, pour it. Wizard I refuse to reign and pour at the same time. Guard Do you refuse? Wizard Yes, I do. Guard Then drive him out of Oz! Chorus Down with him. Gyle Wait! Wait! He'll do it. (Bus) Go on! Go on! Wizard (Bus with sword) Dinny, watch yourself! Watch yourself. (Drives sword into basket. Basket is turned up and Pastoria falls out. Commotion in crowd.)
Gyle This is not the Confederate. Who is this man? Pastoria I am Pastoria the Second. Gyle Pastoria in that dress? Pastoria It's the costume of the man who guarded that imposter's tricks. You all know me now. I am Pastoria II - returned to denounce that man and claim the throne! (Bus. Gyle.) -:- FINALE -:- STAR OF MY NATIVE LAND. -:- "THE WIZARD OF OZ" -:- -:ACT III -:SCENE:- Edge of the domain of Oz. Draw bridge L.U.E. Large tree R. The roots of tree have turned upward and form a cage. The scene is a study in purple. AT RISE:- SOLDIERS led by OFFICERS enter L.1 E. and X. Sentry is left at bridge Soldiers march off up R. Officer enter guard house over R. Cooks and Waitresses enter across bridge COOKS' AND WAITRESSES' NUMBER. (Officers enter from guard house R. at end of Number) Officer Who are you, and where do you come from? 1st Cook We are cooks and waitresses and maids
of all work. 2nd Cook And we're looking for an intelligence office. Officer In your travels have you met any suspicious characters? Waitress Oh, everybody WE meet is suspicious. 1st Cook Why the last people I worked for wouldn't believe that one mouse could steal a cold boiled ham. Officer I'm talking of escaped prisoners enemies of King Pastoria. They broke out of the jail at Oz. Waitress When did they escape? Officer Yesterday. There's a big reward for them. 2nd Cook What do they look like? Officer Read the royal proclamation over there. (Points to Bulletin board up L.C. with proclamation on it.) You'll find their full description. (Girls rush up to bulletin board) (Officers exit down L. (Sentry faces up stage and watches girls)
1st Girl (Mounting on stool beside bulletin) Oh, girls, it's a thousand gold pieces for the one who catches them. (Tin-man and Scarecrow enter down R. Music for entrance. Tin-man is disguised as a burlesque chaffeur. Scarecrow in costume of various light colored articles which might be stolen from a clothes' line. They see the group up stage and draw back to cover of guard house) Tin-man Once across that bridge and we win. Do you think we've been missed at the prison? Scarecrow Missed? My boy, when we left that prison all the cells were in tiers. 1st Cook (Studying proclamation) From this description we ought to know this prisoner if we meet him. (Scarecrow and Tin-man listen) Waitress What does he look like? 1st cook (Reading) "He has folding bed knees, and a face like a fightened buckwheat cake." Tin-man (Aside to Scarecrow) That's you. Scarecrow (Aside to Tin-man) Did you ever see a frightened buckwheat cake?
Tin-man Yes; while the cream was being whipped. Scarecrow Come, Harold, it's over the river with us. (They go up to bridge. Sentry halts them) Tin-man What's the matter? Sentry Don't you know. Scarecrow We haven't been told. Sentry That's it. Tin-man What's it? Sentry You're it. Scarecrow I've got it. This is a toll bridge and we can't go over until we've been told. Tin-man (Sadly) Oh! Scarecrow 'Tis a merry jest, but I see no change in you. Tin-man You see no change in me, because I'm broke. (Xing to Sentry) What's the toll? Sentry One fong.
Scarecrow One fong? This must be Chinese money. (Tin-man Xes to c. Scarecrow Xes to Sentry) Do you charge for anybody under five. Sentry No. Scarecrow That fixes me. I'm just nine days' old. Sentry Nine days? Scarecrow Yes, but I'm large for my age. You may not believe it, but I was born just nine days ago. Sentry (With evident suspicious) That don't go. And neither do you. Tin-man Can't you trust us for two measly fongs? Sentry Not unless you leave your auto for security. Tin-man I haven't got one. Sentry Haven't got an auto, with that hat? Tin-man Oh, every man who wears a sailor cap don't own a yacht. (Rejoins Scarecrow) Sentry (Goes C. to them) What are you fellers, anyway?
Scarecrow MUST you know? Sentry Yes; or I'm likely to arrest you. Scarecrow I'm a smoke inspector in a painless dental parlor. Tin-man And I'm a switchman in a ladies' hair emporium. Sentry (Distrustfully) You don't seem to be telling the truth. (Goes back to bridge) Tin-man (Aside to Scarecrow) If I could find Little Dottie and the others they might help us. Scarecrow Take a look for them. (Pushes Tin-man R.) I'll wait for you here. (Tin-man exits E. Scarecrow motions to him after he is off. Girls turn down stage) 1st Cook Better leave these runaway prisoners to the police and spend OUR time getting places. Waitress Shall we advertise first? Here are our ads, all ready for the want columns. Scarecrow (Aside R.) Here's a chance to turn the toll. (Slapping forehead)
This is where my brains come in. (Aloud, advancing C.) Excuse me, ladies, but why advertise? 2nd Cook We all need positions. 1st cook Here are the ads we are going to publish. (Hands paper to Scarecrow) Scarecrow I know, you want everything - except work. Waitress You must have kept an agency. Scarecrow Right! (Reads) "A young German girl would like to give Russian lessons to a Swedish deaf mute in a refined Italian family." (Reads) "A neat and willing girl would like a position as a laundress in a family where the washing is sent out." (Reads) "A refined brunette will give good advice in exchange for a happy home." (Reads) "An epileptic French dressmaker would like employment. Fits guaranteed." (Reads) "A tired blonde will teach the rest cure to a wealthy aged couple. No objection to being adopted." (Reads) "An experienced worker would like to
work an inexperienced young married couple." 1st Cook Don't know of a few families who want girls like these? Scarecrow I don't know of any that WANT them, but a good many may have to have them. 1st Cook But you can surely place a first class cook like me. Scarecrow What's your specialty? 1st Cook My pies are something to be remembered. Scarecrow Some pies can never be forgotten. I'll tell you about one. THE TRAVELLER AND THE PIE. (Scarecrow and girls) One day a weary traveller walked down a village street, Did he? I think he did. He thought he stop and ask a lady for a bite to eat. Did he? I think he did. He knocked upon a door and said in accents so polite, I'm very hungry and I hope you'll let me have a bite, Oh, you shall have my pie the young wife answered in delight. Did she? I think she did. Chorus. Oh, the weary, hungry traveller, The hungry luckless traveller He took one little bite and next minute
took to flight Oh, the weary hungry luckless traveller. II. A travelling man once told his wife he on the road must go. Did he? I think he did. And then he stayed in town and took a lady to the show. Did he? I think he did. He did it out of charity, His heart was very kind But when the usher showed his seat He was surprised to find His wife, with another chap, Was seated just behind. Was she? Oh, joy! Chorus. Oh, the weary, hungry traveller, The hungry luckless traveller, She murmered "You're untrue" But he answered "So are you." Oh, the weary hungry luckless traveller. (At end of song girls exit) Scarecrow There! They've gone and I'm still shy the toll. (Tin-man enters R.) Find anybody? Tin-man No. Didn't find anything but a book. (Shows book) Scarecrow What is the book? Tin-man "A Happy Home". In six parts. Scarecrow Who broke it up? Tin-man
What's a happy home got to do with a flat? Tin-man The woman who owns this book can find out anything she wants to know. (Officer enters with Sentry who points to both. Officer watches them suspiciously) Scarecrow I'd hate to be her husband. Tin-man (Turning leaves) For example - Chapter 9 - how to fry eggs. Chapter 12, The married woman's pocket book. Scarecrow There's nothing in it. Go on. Tin-man Chapter 14. How to make ice water last. Scarecrow That's easy. Make everything else first. Brains. Tin-man Chapter 20. What to do when Baby swallows an alarm clock. Scarecrow (Takes book) I might try to sell it for enough to pay this toll. (Turns L.) Officer Who are you? Scarecrow We are book agents. I have here a book that no hungry man should be without. Officer
No hungry man? Tin-man It has four plates and a canvas back. Officer I think you're two of the rebels names in that proclamation. (Pointing to proclamation) Tin-man Not at all. Officer You tell your story with a straight front. Scarecrow A straight front? Excuse me, my figure is all my own. Officer I'll arrest you both on suspicion. (To Soldiers) Take them in. (Soldiers step to each side of Scarecrow and Tin-man) Tin-man This is all a mistake. Officer To the cage with them. (Scarecrow is marched to steps of cage with Tin-man) Scarecrow (Struggling) Get me a handwriting expert; he can prove by my signature that I'm somebody else, and that I died last year. (They are put into cage or guardhouse. Sentry and soliders exit C. Officer remains.) Tin-man
I say, this is wrong. We are not poll parrots. Scarecrow If I was a swearing man I'd say, "Dash it all; we're up in the air!" Tin-man What a glorious chance to study the language of the birds and monkeys. Officer It's certain we've caught two of the rebels. The others are not far off. Let no one pass that bridge. (Jingling of chains as drawbridge is let down. Enter Sentry and a file of soldiers, escorting The Wizard and Sir Wiley, who are dressed as convicts with ball and chain at ankles. Pastoria follows them dressed in royal purple robes, but with plasters across his face and one black eye) Pastoria Halt! Let me enjoy their misery a moment longer. (To Wizard and Sir Wiley) My, but you look good. Wizard If I wasn't a stickler for the truth I'd say "Ditto." Pastoria (To Officer) Have any of the other escaped prisoners been captured? Officer (Pointing to cage) We've got the What-was-it, and the What-is-it in the cage. Pastoria
(Going to cage) Good! My joy increases. Scarecrow Isn't he easily pleased? (Pastoria returns to the Wizard) Pastoria So you're a wizard, eh? Come, - let me show you a trick. How to make the dust fly. Ha, ha, ha, give them brooms, men. Give them brooms, and let them perform the trick. (Soldiers bring street brooms for Wizard and Sir Wiley Gyle) Gyle (Throwing down broom) I'm no housemaid. I don't want your broom! Pastoria Pick that up, or I'll have you flogged. Pick it up, Sir Wiley, pick it up! Pick it up! (Gyle picks up broom reluctantly) Wizard Of the two evils he chooses the broom. Pastoria My, my but you look funny. Ha, ha, ha. (Enter Tryxie in riding habit) Tryxie Why so merry, dear Pasty? Pastoria Look at my new street cleaning gang. Ha, ha, ha, Aren't they a sight for sore eyes? Tryxie I hate to see that old chap punished. Pastoria
Why? Tryxie Because he gave me the best laugh of my life. It was he Pasty dear, it was he that--(Laughs) Oh, my, that nailed up the bottom of the Wizard's basket just before you got in it. (Sir Wiley laughs.) Pastoria Bruno take that laughing hyena away. Put him to work on the sewer. (Soldiers exit across bridge with Sir Wiley and the Wizard. They carry the brooms on their shoulders) Soldier Right face - forward - march! (Scarecrow and Tin-man wave their hands from cage to them as they exit and exit Officer) Tryxie And now, Pasty, my boy. Pastoria Please cut the word "Pasty" out of your vocabulary. Remember if you please, that I am a King. His Majesty, Pastoria Rex. Tryxie (Xing L.) That's all right for laying stones and opening expositions. But none of "Your Majesty" in mine, Pasty. Pastoria And don't you want to be a queen? Tryxie Pasty, you were one of the sweetest motormen I ever knew, but as a King you won't do at all.
(Xes R.C.) Pastoria Why not? Tryxie Your blue blood gives me the blues. For my part, I don't even know who my grandfather was, so I've nothing to be ashamed of. Pastoria Tryxie, if you desert me now my life will be as empty as a Summer resort at Christmas. Tryxie Can't help it. I'm not crochetting any worsted ties for you just now. Pastoria Won't you kiss and make up? Tryxie No. Pastoria Then don't kiss, just make up. You do that so well. Tryxie (Stamping her foot) Brute! Pastoria To me, your King? Very well, we part here. I'll go back to my throne, and you can go back to your dairy kitchen, once more a biscuit shooter - and you might have been a queen. Tryxie That's nothing. If I had stayed at home I might have been head waitress at a lunch counter by this time. (Exits R.1.)
Tin-man My, but isn't she sassy! I'll bet she's a regular Must You. 2nd Waitress For Goodness sake, what's a Must you? Tin-man I'm afraid to tell you, you might get the habit. 2nd Waitress We'll try not to. Tin-man Well here's a yarn about one. MUST YOU? Tin-man AND GIRL (Exit Girls) (Enter Dashemoff and Dorothy R.2.) Dash. Here we are at last. See, there's the drawbridge. This is the frontier of Pastoria's dominion. Once over that bridge and we'll be free from him, and in another day we'll be safe in the land of Galinda, the Good. Dorothy See, a big reward is offered for our capture. Pastoria is doing his best to get us again. Dash. They've caught Oz and Wiley Gyle and they're working on the street-cleaning chain gang. But come on, it's dangerous to linger. Dorothy I wish we could find our old friends the Scarecrow and the Tin-man and take them with us.
Scarecrow (At window in cage) Hi there somebody. I can't sleep in this room. The mice are stealing my filling. Dash. The Scarecrow! Dorothy (Below window) What are you doing in there? Tin-man You can't do anything in here but time. Dash. (To Dor.) And the Tin-man! Here's a fix. Dorothy We can't go away and leave them in prison. Scarecrow I'd like to put myself out to help you. Dash. Don't worry. We'll stand by you. Dor. How were you taken? Scarecrow After being well shaken. Dor. I'm awfully sorry. If we can't get you out we'll stay here and go back to Oz with you. Tin-man Ah, Dottie that touches my heart. If Sir Daily hadn't spoken first I'd fall dead in love with you. Dash.
If we're to attempt a rescue let's get at it. Tin-man We can set the Scarecrow free to begin with. Scarecrow But, you --Tin-man Oh, never mind about me. Dottie, if you have a pair of scissors with you send 'em up on the elevator. Dor. (Looking in reticule) Scissors? Yes, here they are. Tin-man Here's a paper of pins, and a needle and thread. (Drops them from window) Dor. What have these to do with setting the Scarecrow free? Tin-man I'm going to cut him to pieces and pass him through these bars. Dor. Can he stand it? Scarecrow Wouldn't think any more of it than a cold in my head. He can drop my pieces out of the window - you hide them in that wash basket and carry 'em off and pin 'em together again. Dor. But won't that be seriously fatal? Scarecrow Not unless you lose some of me.
Tin-man He ought to be done over like a mattress once a year anyway. Dor. It's an awful risk, and I'm so fond of the Scarecrow. He owes his life to me. If I hadn't wished him into existence he'd still be scaring the birdies. Dash How about the sentries? (Nodding toward L.U.) Tin-man Are you good at sprinting? Dash. Pretty good. Tin-man Then dash across that bridge withou† paying your toll, and lead them a chase. Now get to work. (Dash. saunters up L. and talks to Sentry while Dor. ties scissors to a string lowered from window of cage by Tin-man and arranges wash basket beneath window. Dash. suddenly pushes by Sentry and runs off across bridge. Sentry pursues calling: "Help, Stop thief.") (Cooks and waitresses run on R. and watch the pursuit.) 1st Waitress I wonder who's escaping? Waitress Maybe one of those rebels. 1st Cook He has a fine lead, they'll never catch him now.
Dor. I hope they don't. Waitress Do you know him? Dor. (Mysteriously) He's my sweetheart. We're wandering minstrels. He writes the songs and I sing them. 1st Cook Love songs, of course? Dor. Yes. Here's one. "HONEY MY SWEET." Dorothy & Chorus. (Exit Chorus) (Tin-man whistles from window. Dor. Xes to guardhouse.) Dor. I'm here. Tin-man The Scarecrow is all carved, and ready to serve. Dor. Go ahead. Tin-man Will you have some wing, or some second joint? Dor. Both. (Tin-man drops a leg and an arm out of window. Dor. puts them in basket. Cynthia enters L.1.) Cynthia
What are you doing there? (Tin-man continues to hand down pieces of Scarecrow) Dor. S-sh--! We're rescuing the Scarecrow. It was a hard problem to solve. Cynthia You seem to be doing it in fractions. Tin-man Who's that? Cynthia 'Tis I, the Lady Lunatic. How does the Scarecrow feel about this? Tin-man Oh, he's all broke up. That'll be about all, Dottie. (Dor. covers basket) Dor. Are you sure I've got all of him? Tin-man I think so. Wait - well, I'll be hanged. Dor. What's the matter? Tin-man I forgot his head. Here it is. Dor. How careless of you. Had we lost that he would have had to go through life without a head. Cynthia (Taking Dor. aside) Have you known that tin gentleman long? Dor. Not very.
Cynthia There's something about him that reminds me of my long lost Niccolo. Dor. (Xing to basket) Help me, Cynthia. (They start to L. carrying basket between them. Officer enters, looks at them. Stops) Officer Where are you going with that basket? Cynthia To yonder garden, to gather geese berries for a plum pudding. Officer That basket isn't yours. Put it down - Put it down. (They drop basket) (Officer Xes to it, picks up cover) What's all this rubbish? Officer, take it and dump it in the river. (Soldier steps forward, picks up basket, carries it up to bridge and throws it and contents into river) (Bus. for Tin-man during this bus.) Dorothy (Falling into Cynthia's arms) He is lost! Officer (Going up L.) By George! What does this mean? Where are the sentries? Where is the guardian of the bridge and the cage? There is some mischief afoot. What ho! Guards! (Rushes off, over bridge L.U.) Cynthia He is gone, and has left the key in the
door. Come down quick! (Tin-man comes down out of cage and rushes to bridge) Dor. What a calamity! What a calamity! Cynthia Has any of him drifted away? Tin-man (Looking) There goes his leg. Quick, give me a crab net. Dor. This will give him an awful cold. Tin-man (Throwing body of dummy on stage) There's his body. Put that near the fire to dry. Dorothy Oh, don't do that. Cynthia I wonder if he would mind being run through a clothes wringer. (Tin-man, who has thrown on Scarecrow's arms and legs enters coming down stage with Scarecrow's head) Tin-man And here's his brains. Soaked, but otherwise intact. My! But you're pretty. Quick, let's put him together. Dor. Where? We'll be seen here.
Tin-man Hide him in the Sentry box. (Moves Sentry box to L.C.) What will we start with - his legs? Cynthia No, let us put his head up first, then he can tell us if we are putting him together right. Tin-man That's so. I can't tell his arms from his legs anyway. (Bus. putting head in place in cabinet) There! Right in line again. Scarecrow Will you take the water out of my ear? Tin-man (Offering hand) Shake? Scarecrow I can't yet. Dor. Oh, I'm so glad to hear you speak again. Cynthia Hurry, you're wasting time. Scarecrow Let me have an arm next, I want to scratch my nose. Tin-man (Showing a leg) What is that - right or left? Scarecrow Let me see. Put that in the left corner.
Cynthia Look out. Here come the soldiers. Tin-man (With right leg under his arm) Stay here. Don't run away. (Exit Tin-man and Cynthia. Exit Dorothy L. Soldiers cross from R. to L. Tin-man re-enters L. still holding leg of Dummy) Tin-man Now then, I'll throw the rest at you quick! (Fixes remainder of dummy) (When complete, Scarecrow steps forward. Bus.) How do you feel now? Scarecrow Like a wet scrambled egg. Is my face on straight? Tin-man Yes. Wasn't you frightened? Scarecrow A trifle. I tried to stay collected, but I couldn't. Unless you put a few more pins in my neck, I'm liable to lose my head. Tin-man Old friend, welcome back to me. I'm so happy I could sing for---- well, I'm not going to frighten you by telling you how long. SPECIALTY (Scarecrow and Tin-man and exit) (Enter Sentry and Sir Wiley and Oz. Oz and Sir Wiley with ball and chain,. and still in convict suits and wearing burlesque "White wing" helmets and carrying street brooms on shoulders) Sentry
Halt! (Bus. They stop suddenly) Get to work there you rascals. Wizard That's good. What next? Sentry You can polish up this square for a few hours. (Exits) Wizard Here's a fine finish for a King. Gyle A nice job! Manicuring boulevards. Wizard And me massaging side-walks. Gyle A nice come-down for both of us. Wizard If anybody asks me what I'm doing I'll tell 'em I'm in business on the street. Gyle But just now we're working on the square. Wizard If I ran for King now I could sweep the country without any trouble. Gyle Wouldn't this be a lovely thing to give up for Lent? (Tin-man enters R. followed by Cynthia) Cynthia (Presenting piccolo to him) One moment. Would you oblige me with a short selection?
Tin-man What's that? Cynthia A piccolo. With that one Niccolo Chopper won my heart long long ago. (Tin-man blows a note or two of "Niccolo's Piccolo") Tin-man Is that the way it works? Cynthia Go on - go on. Tin-man I seem to have done this before. (Blows a few stray notes, then plays refrain of "Niccolo's Piccolo") Cynthia 'Tis he! My Niccolo! Tin-man Ah, it all comes back to me, now. My heart beats madly and tells me you are my former fiancee - the beauteous Cynthia, who kept the alligator counter in the department store. Cynthia Right! Take me to your copper fastened bosom. (They embrace) Tin-man At last, my new heart has a chance to work. Scarecrow (Enters L.1. Sees Wizard and Gyle sweeping) Sporty boys, aren't they? Going out for a brush on the speedway. Wizard
You'd better raise a little dust yourself or you'll get into this business, too. Tin-man Why didn't you follow us? Wizard We couldn't. We met Pastoria and he invited us to a ball; and now we've got something on foot that we can't get rid of. (Bus. swinging ball on chain over arm) (Dor. enters R.) (Dash. enters over bridge L.U.) Dash. I gave them the slip in the woods on the other side of the river. Come on - the way is clear, and it's now or never. (Soldiers enter with Pastoria and form up near bridge L.U.) Pastoria Aha, once more my prisoners! (General start) This time I'll take no chances. What ho! Me headsman! (Headsman with axe, and two attendants bearing block, enter up L. All in crimson) The men to the block! The women to the prison! Dor. Have you no mercy? Pastoria I'm all out of that. May have some to-morrow; none to-day. Go on with the execution. Dor. Can no one help us?
Scarecrow Good bye, Dottie. Tin-man Good bye, little girl. Dor. There's only one hope. They witch who saved us once may do so again. Locusta, aid us! Pastoria (To headsman) Proceed. (Attendants seize Dashemoff) Dor. Locusta! Locusta! Locusta Halt! The child who calls me shall be answered. For her do I invoke the aid of those mysterious powers who rule this mystic clime. Mighty Galinda, ruler of Storm and Calm, grant me, thy humble servant, one more boon -- spread infinite darkness o'er the land so that the victims of this tyrant may escape beneath its sheltering cloak; and send the spirits of the air to bear this child, my ward and charge, back to the far-off home from which they brought her. Pastoria What! Another cyclone? My country could never stand that. You and your companions are at liberty to depart whenever you wish. -:- FINALE -:CURTAIN.